**The only spoilers in this recap are what happened in the episode. Everything else is just my opinion.**
Merriam-Webster defines a Catch-22 as “a problematic situation for which the only solution is denied by a circumstance inherent in the problem or by a rule.”
Not only did I have the urge to take it back to middle school and start an “essay” with a definition, but I had to remind myself that yes, this is indeed the situation we find ourselves in during this season of The Bachelor.
On one hand, we can all obviously agree that Krystal is self-absorbed, shallow and has a voice that sounds like a fork stuck in the garbage disposal.
On the other hand, without Krystal this show is borderline trash. Sure we all have people we love (Sienne is my favorite, but I know she’s not going all the way), but this has been an incredibly boring season so far. Nothing really happens throughout the episode, and I feel like every relationship stays pretty much the same.
Sienne is smarter than you.
Becca is younger than you.
Krystal is a stage-five clinger.
Kendall is still pretending she didn’t kill her animals with her own hands.
Krystal isn’t going to the end. I’m sure of it. I just hope ABC can get it together and give us something worth watching when she’s gone.
Oh so Bekah’s age is going to be the theme of this episode. I love how the ladies are so proud of themselves for being able to do math. Yes, the age difference is 14 years. Congrats on doing math. The fact that these side conversations are shown while Bekah's by herself jumping into the pool like an actual 14 year old is hilarious.
Krystal explains that she’s proud of Arie for sending women home, and that while the other women in the house live in a world of false reality, she’s happy to be the voice of reason and reality. (See above for what your voice really sounds like, Krystal.)
Chris Harrison walks into the house and says the same thing he said last week, except there are only 15 women in the house today. Way to do that math, Chris!
He also tells them that they’re leaving LA and heading to “South Lake Tahoe.”
Bekah: “I’m feeling excited because we’re going to Tahooooe.” You mean South Lake Tahoe. Can someone please explain to me why he made it a point to say that?
Also Lake Tahoe once again seems like ABC is cutting some corners. I’m worried about their budget for this show. Did they burn it all on the first and second episode? Do they think it’s Farmer Chris’ season over again? Will they reprogram Chris Harrison so that he says ANYTHING else? So many questions.
Producers: Arie go stand on that rock and just, like, look around. Try to look cool. Oh, God, he’s putting his hands in his pockets. We said try and look cool!
I hope I’m never the person people think of when they’re in a room full of dead animals. But I do love that Kendall owns it.
One-on-one date: Let’s let our love soar.
Sienne gets the one-on-one with Arie.
And immediately he walks in to pick Sienne up and talk to the ladies about Tahoe and the week ahead. Arie, the amount of times you’ve said you like the outdoors proves to me you don’t really like the outdoors. Isn’t one of your jobs spent inside houses and the other spent inside cars?
Everyone’s nervous that Sienne will go home since Lauren did the week before. Except Krystal who is excited that Sienne might not make it past this date. Is it bad that I find her honesty refreshing? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?
Solid job of giving the women binoculars, ABC. They’re pretending to look at trees (um did anyone else see what looked like someone looking through the wrong side??) and stumble upon Arie and Sienne’s date.
“Parasailing is about letting go … and I think being open to this kind of relationship is similar to that…” (DRINK) Sienne, I’m so disappointed in you for comparing love to parasailing. Shame on you. Also, if you almost used the L word (WHICH YOU ALMOST DID), I’m even more disappointed in you. But I still love you.
Arie tells Sienne he sees his parents every other day. Buuut Krystal is the only person you’ve brought home in the past five years? Still. Not. Buying. It.
I don’t think Arie asked Sienne anything. And when it comes down to it, wouldn’t we rather hear her talk than hear him talk?
On their dinner date we discover Sienne’s biggest flaw: She can’t wink. Or is her biggest problem that she compliments Arie on his winking skills? Don’t encourage him, girl. The winking is perpetuating the “I’m working real hard to prove I’m the cool uncle” vibe Arie just can’t seem to shake.
Sienne asks some great questions like “Why would you say you haven’t been in love for five years?” Arie’s like because I slept with everyone instead and now I realize that no one comes up to you when you wear a cardigan in the club.
When your family life doesn’t show a story of happiness and you don’t have a visual representation in the media/culture, it’s hard to see a happy ending for yourself. Makes total sense, Sienne. If he doesn’t give you the rose, he’s an idiot, but I’m glad you got a chance to speak your piece about representation.
Thank God she gets the rose. And there’s another surprise! They’re going to get on stage and dance to a band they don’t know in front of a bunch of randos. Can someone please explain to me how this is romantic and why ABC insists on doing this each season? You couldn’t pay me to get on that stage. (Not gonna lie, I do think the song playing is adorable!)
Group date: Will our love survive?
(I feel so bad for Maquel, whose grandfather passed during the episode! If you ever see someone with a phone in his or her hand in this show, you know it’s not good news. She ends up leaving the show to be with her family.)
Krystal is super jealous because after the names are read, it’s clear Bekah is going on the one-on-one. She’s confused about why he’s going on the one-on-one date with Bekah when there’s a 14-year difference. (It’s because the producers have told him to pretend he doesn’t know about the age difference.)
Krystal’s like “Arie doesn’t want a girl, he wants a grownup who strains her voice trying to sound like a girl.”
I’m loving Kendall’s confidence on this date. She knows she’s going to rock it. This date is right up her alley. And if she doesn’t take the top spot, we all know she’ll at least do better than Marikh. Oh no, did I just glamshame her??
Arie says they should go on a hike and they walk 10 feet to the real people who will be showing them what to do and how to survive. If something happened on a hike and it was just me and Arie, I’d start making peace with my life for sure.
Their survival guides are Mykel Hawke, Retired Green Beret Combat Commander US Army Special Forces, (Brittany PLEASE take back that corny salute you just did when Mykel explained his title) and his wife Ruth, whose title is wife.
Mykel I liked you until you started spitting some alternative facts:
Arie did not ask you to teach the women anything.
What they learn here will not help them with any of their relationships. Unless peeing in a cup and pretending to drink it has some deeper meaning I don’t know about. (ABC, y’all nasty.)
Does anyone else think this is kind of humiliating for the women? They basically feel like they have to prove their love for someone by doing disgusting things, and I’m 100% sure a whole lot of them would. And they don’t even love him!
Jenna: “I would drink my pee for Arie.” But only if it was spiked with vodka, right? Don’t think I don’t know you were the wasted one at last week’s rose ceremony.
OK, now eat worms.
Y’ALL. How could anyone make out with someone who just ate worms? Not only that, Arie said “mmm” after kissing Kendall.
Naturally, Krystal can’t handle it when the date isn’t for her and when others look better than her at said date. The women are desperate and aggressive, according to her, and she’s above all of this. Sure, Krystal.
Mykel: “OK so basically you’ve been given all the skills. And now we’re going to give you the gear. And there are maps. And those maps will take you to your final destination.”
Skills, Mykel?! What skills?! How does eating bugs help you read a map? I’m sure that cannister of YOUR OWN pee will really help. Good talk, man. These people learned nothing.
Everyone is split up into three teams. Is it me, or is Arie helping his team over things that they really don’t need help getting over?
“Arie you’re so strongggg.” Shut it, Krystal. I’m honestly starting to think that her whole persona is based off things she thinks men want to hear.
I love that Jenna grabs a handful of rocks as if that’ll help them at all.
Everyone makes it to the destination and it’s hot tub and champagne time.
Tia and Caroline joke around with Arie and Krystal by mimicking him putting his arm around Krystal. For some reason this is where Krystal starts to become unhinged and uses her time with the cameraman to call the women in the house juvenile and explain how things are tough because there are so many other ladies in the house who want Arie’s time. “I’m confused is this real life?” Krystal asks after somehow thinking it makes sense to compare herself to a camp counselor. Aren’t you supposed to be the voice of reality? You’re slippin’.
Krystal is so delusional, I don’t even have the energy to chronicle it. So I’ll just share some tweets on it instead:
Lauren B: "What exactly are you looking for? I know you want someone with a flexible schedule."
How is that the thing you remember? How many times have you said that, Arie??
When Arie is with Kendall, he asks her about her taxidermy. It’s like it’s the only thing he remembers about her. I mean it’s the only thing I remember, but I watch this show once (maybe twice) a week and literally don’t care about anyone on the show enough to learn more.
Actual questions from Arie, who apparently doesn’t get how luggage works:
- “How do you travel with a taxidermy?”
- “Do you just put it in your checked bag?”
I feel like this is the most Arie’s asked anyone and it isn’t even about her.
Krystal cannot go one week without telling everyone that she went on a one-on-one date with Arie. I’m loving the impressions, especially Chelsea’s and Caroline's. We get it, you had a tough time on the date.
When Arie and Krystal talk, a few things come to mind:
- His collarbone strokes are starting to really creep me out
- Watching Krystal try to muster up some fake tears is nothing short of amazing
- She literally commanded him to tell another woman to give them more time, and I can’t believe he actually did it!
“Hi friendssss…” she says as she cozies up next to Tia before asking to talk with both Tia and Caroline. Tia, I’ma need you to tell this girl what time it is. Please don’t disappoint.
When Tia tells Krystal she’s made people feel uncomfortable, Krystal’s like “well I know it was uncomfortable for me when I got the one-on-one date so early.” How could you have thought that was possibly the right time to insert that gem into the conversation? You drive me absolutely up the wall, Krystal, but I’m going to miss you when you’re gone. Because the truth is, if you go toe to toe with Tia you’re going to lose. And Arie is going to pick Tia over you because he likes her more.
Tia and Caroline ask what Krystal told Arie. All she said was that her feelings felt hurt, according to Krystal. They don’t believe her, but they should know by now how long it takes Krystal to get through a sentence. The timing lines up.
Tia gets the rose. I like Tia but I love that Krystal didn’t get the rose even more. (How is it that we’ve all forgotten Chelsea is crazy, too??)
The next day, Krystal congratulates herself for dealing with the date perfectly the day before. Meanwhile, I’m congratulating myself for not throwing my dinner at the TV whenever Krystal is on the screen, so sounds like we both have something to be proud of.
One-on-one date: I’m looking for a stable relationship
It’s hilarious that Arie thinks Bekah challenges him when really she’s just making fun of him. Also the words he uses to describe her are “mature” and “wise.” If you really think he didn’t know her age before this, ABC definitely pulled one over on you.
(About the convos in the house about Bekah’s age, I’m not even going over it. It’s clear production forced it to be the talk of the house.)
After a riding on horseback, Arie and Bekah make out in a hot tub and he tells a story of when he crashed and got injured. This story of the “Black Widow” (a truck he bought when he was 15. 15!!) is just a casual reminder that Arie doesn’t know how to pay attention to the signs and think with his brain. So nothing’s changed.
FINALLY Bekah tells Arie his age at dinner (or what should technically be dinner -- DO THEY EAT OR JUST DRINK??) but only after Arie explains once again how he’s old and wears cardigans and goes to bed at nine and only eats dinner at Denny’s at 5 p.m. It’s cool though, Arie handles it well.
Just kidding, he puts her on the spot when she’s clearly the most mature person on this show, including Chris Harrison. After grilling her and pretending like he’s super nervous about it and doesn’t want to get hurt, he gives her a rose anyways because, as I so eloquently tweeted during the show:
Thoughts on the lack of cocktail party and rose ceremony:
- How long do they make the women sit in a room and talk before Arie (or Chris Harrison) comes and talks to them?
- I accidentally typed Christ Harrison on that last point and now I hate myself.
- Krystal for once doesn't feel confident in the rose ceremony because somehow her character was attacked. Can someone tell me how her character was attacked? And also how would he know about your talk with Tia and Caroline?
- "Krystal ... seems cheesy when she does speeches. I feel like she's saying things that a public speaker told her or something that she's read in a book as opposed to speaking from her true self." CAN I GET AN AMEN? OK Kendall, I see you. Add me to your throng of fans who happen to all be dead animals.
- I love how freaked out everyone gets when there’s no cocktail party.
- Chris Harrison: “Arie has made up his mind. He knows exactly what he wants to do tonight.”
- Krystal can’t handle it. Everyone can tell she’s freaking out.
- “To say they were shocked and dismayed is a gross understatement,” Chris -- who apparently forgot what the phrase “gross understatement” means -- tells Arie. Chill, it wasn't THAT crazy!
- Since we all saw Krystal get time in the previews, we knew this was coming. Except for some reason I was thinking she’d do it after he handed out some roses.
- Everyone knows you don’t interrupt a ceremony unless you’re choosing to go home!
- So what couldn’t wait? I have no idea because I couldn’t understand what she said. It turns out whispering Krystal is easier on the ears, but is also unintelligible.
- Actually what I could make out is “I’m here for you.” So totally worth interrupting. It's too early to bring out the crazy, but way to put it out there, girl.
- I hope none of y’all fell for that trick ABC tried to pull on you by having Krystal get the last rose. She’s great TV, she can’t go this early in the game.
Brittany and Caroline go home.
I don’t think Krystal is long for this Bachelor world. Arie likes a lot of the women who are still around more than he likes Krystal, it’s pretty obvious. I think she either goes home next week or the week after as a two-parter.
Will you keep watching once Krystal’s gone? Maybe it’ll be Chelsea’s time to bring the drama next. What’d you think of this week’s episode? What did I forget to include in this recap??
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