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The Bachelor Recap: Arie's Season, Episode 5

The Bachelor Recap: Arie's Season, Episode 5

**The only spoilers in this recap are what happened in the episode. Everything else is just my opinion.**

It may be the most telling that the show doesn’t really show the ladies reacting to going to Fort Lauderdale. When are they going to start going somewhere good, like Europe?

“Fort Lauderdale is a beautiful place to fall in love,” Arie says. It’s the first time anyone has ever said such a thing.

ABC is trying to convince us how awesome Fort Lauderdale is, but I’m pretty sure Arie’s just there to check out retirement communities on his time off.

“We’re in Fort Lauderdale. Tons of water. Tons of boardwalks. Palm trees. It’s amazing,” Chelsea says as if she’s not just looking around and naming the things she sees. Not the most encouraging endorsement since you can find these same things in so many different places.

Arie pops in the room to ask the girls the basics like did they go to the beach, are they having fun, are they getting enough fiber. You know the regular questions your grandfather asks you after not seeing you for a while.

One-on-one date with Chelsea

He’s really there to tell the ladies the dates start immediately and that he’ll be taking Chelsea out. They’re going yachting on this bomb vessel I wish was mine.

“I’m on a dreamboat, but I’m also with a dreamboat.” Mmkay Chelsea, you couldn’t sell me on Fort Lauderdale and you sure as hell can’t sell me on Arie’s sexiness. It ain’t happening.

I love that Chelsea pretends to seem down to earth by saying she’d want a regular boat over a yacht.

When Chelsea and Arie make out on one jet ski (I saw her get on but how the heck do you get off the jet ski in a minimally awkward way??) all of the women at the house can see them because ABC put a telescope on their balcony and pointed it right at the couple. Thank God we didn’t go through what we went through last week where the women pretended they were looking at birds before they stumbled upon Sienne and Arie’s date. You can’t be all that upset when you choose to watch.

The dinner date is at some kind of car museum and Arie can barely keep it in his pants. Did you know Arie likes cars?? Their glasses of wine are filled pretty high, much respect.

Arie calls Chelsea mysterious again, but I think it’s because he thinks that’s what she wants to hear. Really he just wants to know about her last relationship. Sounds like a tough breakup for her after she spent a lot of time with someone who was older than her, and who also left her for someone else. Is it me, or does it seem like there are a couple of calculated digs in her story against Bekah? I get that this is something that really happened, but when she’s saying how she was only 20 and you don’t know what you want at that age, I can’t help but wonder if she chose those words carefully and for a reason.

 

“At the end of the day, I feel like I have the least I’ve ever had but I have everything.” Fine, Chelsea. With quotes like that, you’re winning me over.

Of course, Arie gives her the rose. He even used some buzz words like “independent” to describe her so you know he’s really into her. But the night’s not over, they still have to go to a private concert that ABC keeps pushing on us as if it’s romantic and not totally awkward and cringe-worthy.

Group date: Bowling

I get what you’re trying to do ABC, but I’ll never appreciate Arie licking a bowling ball, and by the looks of it, I’m not the only one.


I think this is the first time I’ve really seen people eating, even if it is just rare glimpses of a fry here and a chicken wing there.

They’re having a bowling competition between two teams where the winning team gets to go to the after-party.

A few notes on this competition:

  • Bekah looks JUST like Rizzo from Grease.
  • Jenna is wasted and does a weird cheer. Homegirl is embarrassing but I hope will step up the drunken craziness whenever Krystal finally goes home.
  • I can’t tell is Krystal is praying or giving more “words of wisdom,” but her eyes are closed and she asks that her dogs be her angels. Also if she’s praying no one else on the team knows it.
  • Krystal says “I gotta bowl-a” but it sounds like “I got Ebola” so there’s that.

Arie’s like I’m surprised the competition is so serious, but he definitely knew what he was doing when he said the losing team would go home.

Krystal’s team (aka the blue team), while Bekah’s team (the pink team) loses.

Surprisingly, Krystal is the most graceful winner. Oh, just kidding she continues to be the absolute worst and is a horrible winner.

After Arie realizes Bekah is on the losing team … I meaaaaan realizes that time is important and the losing team’s punishment was a little harsh, he has a change of heart and decides to let both teams come to the after party.

Guess who doesn’t take this well?

Apparently ABC has footage of everything except what was said on the bus when Krystal blew her lid. But now we know she doesn’t trust him because he changed his mind.

He changed his mind, so she changes into a robe and refuses to go to the after party.

“So what are we supposed to say to him when he asks why you’re not coming?” someone asks. (More on this later.)

“You can tell Arie that I thought he was disrespectful to team blue,” Krystal purrs.

Krystal says she has her bags packed, but she’s just going to stay at the hotel and wants the women to tell Arie why she’s not there. Mmkay, great. So leave. Oh you just want attention. That’s what I thought.

Arie slithers into the lounge and meets the women.

“We’re all here! Today was awesome!” The man literally did not know anyone was missing. This is the man you are all fighting to date. Think about it.

He decides he should go and talk to Krystal and gives her the one-on-one time she worked so hard for. Can I be mad at her for playing the game right? No. Can I be annoyed at the fact that she stretches a one-syllable word out for 5.5 seconds on average? Yes. Yes I can.

Anyone else feel bad for Chelsea and Tia who had to deal with Crazy this whole time?

After what feels like the longest hug ever, Krystal says that she’s upset that Arie changed his mind (somehow he says he didn’t change his mind and then goes on to tell the story of how he changed his mind). He starts off sympathetic, but in the end he seems annoyed. He gives the “I’m not mad I’m disappointed” talk (daaaaaaaaaaaaaaad) and tells her to stay in her room (does… does he GROUND her??).

Everyone is pumped when he comes down without her, excited that they still get lots of time with him.

During Kendall’s time with him she talks about past relationships and how this process is slow. Does she know what show this is? He’s supposed to propose at the end. How long does this show even last? I feel like it’s three months tops.

Arie tells Becca that he feels like their date was so long ago. Pretty sure it was two weeks ago, bud. Is it me or was that strange of him to make out with her after she said she had so many questions to ask him? I mean I know why I don’t care to hear you talk, Arie, but why don’t you want to talk about yourself? So strange.

Oh hey, what’d y'all think we wouldn’t see Krystal for the rest of the date? Amateurs. She’s getting ready and about to go down because “she doesn’t like the way they ended things” and really needs to take Josephine’s time (she didn’t say that, but she may as well have). Who’s Josephine, you ask? The woman I SWEAR I’ve never seen until this episode. Where did she come from? What’s her deal? How has she slid by this far without having any screen time? I’m not even positive her name really is Josephine, that’s how little I know about her.

Anyways, I need to transcribe this entire fake prayer Bekah says because it’s absolutely brilliant:

“I pray that amidst all of this chaos, may Krystal find the peace that she thinks she has. May she find the confidence that she believes she has gained, and may she have the friends and support that she so ridiculously believed she had in us before today.”

And in struts Krystal, asking if she can sit with everyone in the most normal voice I’ve ever heard from her.

“Can I just take a second to say somethiiiing?” And just as quickly as that normal voice came, it went. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

“Krystal, you said you weren’t coming tonight, yet here you are. So does that make you a liar? Does that mean you’re going back on your word? Maybe you just changed your mind like Arie did. So I mean I think we all trusted, since you said you weren’t coming to the party that you weren’t coming to the party. And yet here you are. So please explain.” Bekah I would transcribe your words all day. You. Are. Fabulous.

So after all that, Krystal leaves again. Do you think Arie knew she came down? I think so, unless the producers were really like “Get all dolled up, come down, talk to the ladies, then go back upstairs kthanks.”

Seemingly oblivious to the whole situation, Arie and Lauren spend time talking. They’re playing 21 questions and the first question Lauren asks is a question she already knew the answer to. Maybe they’re perfect for each other.

Arie does that thing again where he goes around the room and talks about a few people before giving the rose to someone else. And that someone else is Lauren.

(Side note: There were a couple of scenes showing Krystal in her bathrobe just staring off. I’m dying to know what the heck she was looking at!)

One-on-One date with Tia

The Everglades. It’s a “country date” for a “country girl” AKA “this date will be boring but you’ll like Tia more by the end of it so it’ll make everything OK.”

Somehow an alligator reminds Arie that love can be scary, but it can also be an adventure. Cool story, bro.

I love that they have a Go Pro to film them. Sounds like no one on production thinks Arie’s worth being eaten by an alligator.

When Tia and Arie are speaking to Gerald, who owns the cabin, it’s clear Arie can’t understand a word he says. Tia is like his country translator.

As much as I like Tia, I really wish someone else had gone on this date. Like someone who would’ve been taken out of her comfort zone. This just feels like another case where ABC phoned it in.

When Tia explains what frogging is frogs everywhere are like

scared

At their dinner date (is it me or do all of the dinner places in Fort Lauderdale seem like Cracker Barrels with a theme?), Arie says really vague things to make Tia feel good and she’s eating it up. “I like that you’re yourself.” First of all, how do you know? Second of all, is this a compliment or an observation? Third of all, you could say that to any person at any time and it means nothing.

Maybe we should drink when Arie talks about his brother’s wedding. Good Lord.

Speaking of the Lord, Arie isn’t really buddies with Him, but Tia is.

When Arie asks her what kind of guys she goes for she says “My type that I go for is not good, obviously.” Obviously?? I can’t tell if she’s really referring to her past or secretly asking the producers/America for help. Was that sentence her rescue signal??

I’m wondering what kind of jacked up fairy tales these women are basing this experience on. The Bachelor is NOT a fairy tale, people.

Of course she gets the rose. And she doesn’t even have to suffer through a private concert. Not bad, Tia.

Thoughts on the cocktail party and the rose ceremony

  • OMG WHERE DO I BEGIN HERE?!
  • First off, I know that the women become friends, but they’re walking arm in arm together to see the man they’re all going to make out with and fight over. Is that not strange to anyone else?
  • Guys, Krystal has definitely not been hiding out in her room. “Yesterday, I wasn’t hiding in my room. I was investing in myself and growing from the struggle that happened and the challenge. And I realized I am invested in my relationship with Arie,” Krystal says.
  • Transcribing Krystal’s words is nowhere near as fun as Bekah’s.
  • I seriously need to know if there’s anyone in the room who just says “Oh hey Krystal, wanna go on a 5-minute monologue and tell us all what you’re thinking?”
  • Arie: “I feel like this is working. I’m having a great time.” Uh yeah, ya think? Dozens of women throwing themselves at you. What’s not to love?
  • Kendall, I actually wish you decided to talk to Arie about Krystal instead of asking him this question: If you were visiting a tribe that’s tradition was to eat someone who had passed away would you try human meat?
  • And after Arie says no, she wonders why because she would since she’s curious as to what human meat would taste like.
  • KENDALL, WHAT???
  • And you wonder why I don’t believe her when she said she didn’t kill every single one of those animals she brought.
  • Also, unless ABC’s trying to pull some sort of switcheroo, that’s definitely not the question that was written in her book. I even took a picture of it. So strange. 
kendall questions
  • “You really have nothing to talk about but me?” Obviously not, Krystal.
  • Krystal then decides to see if any of the women want to steal her for a sec and talk to her about their issues with her. Because if they talked as a group they’d pounce on her, which she’s right to be afraid of. (Though if she really thought it through, she’d have them do that and then complain to Arie about it.)
  • Kendall jumps at the chance. And I feel like the producers must not have told Krystal about Kendall’s curiosity of the taste of human flesh or else I’m positive she wouldn’t have gone outside with her.
  • Ooh Kendall straight-up tells Krystal that Arie’s not for her.
  • Krystal’s got her talking points down pat: “I felt hurt” “Who doesn’t say things like that in the heat of the moment?” But for the ladies what it comes down to is not taking full ownership of what happened and the ripple effect it had on everyone else.
  • Kendall and Tia try to talk some sense into Krystal, but it’s no use. So ABC sends in the big guns.
  • “I don’t particularly want to talk to you other than to ask why you’re still here.” - Bekah
  • [silence] “... I’m asking you. Like, why are you still here?”
  • I just found out Josephine is actually named Jacqueline and I’m not changing any prior references to her.
  • Well that confrontation didn’t last long between Bekah and Krystal. I can’t blame you for trying Bekah, but I can kind of blame you for wasting your time. (Thanks for the good TV, though!)
  • So now Krystal can say that she tried to talk it out with everyone and play nice, but they all attacked her and didn’t try and see her side.
  • “Like I’m done. Done. That was glitter. Glitter.” Is there an echo in here?
  • Does Arie realize that the longer he keeps Krystal the less respect the remaining women have for him?
  • Everything Arie says to Krystal is conflicting. He’s like “you know the most about me and we’re farther along than anyone else but I might not pick you tonight.” No wonder she’s a little crazy. He’s not helping.
  • I cannot with the bowling alley story. I don’t believe it. I’m sorry. I believe that she had a rough childhood, I just don’t believe a bowling alley had anything to do with her behavior.
  • Krystal: “This is our first fiiiiiiiight.” Arie: “It could be our last fight.” Producers: “Overruled.”
  • Is this the first time we’re seeing Chris Harrison in this entire episode? Anyone miss him?
  • I bet you didn’t miss him after he pretended to make Arie think harder about his relationship with Krystal.
  • Krystal gets the last rose. Again.

Who goes home: Marikh, Ashley, and Maquel. Man, not only did Maquel just get back, but he also pointed her out during the group date and said he’s excited to see where their relationship goes.

 

“If the girls thought I was a threat before, watch out ladieeeeeees.” - Krystal

I really thought she might go home this episode, but I guess I was wrong. I’m thinking maybe she’ll go home during a 2-on-1 date, maybe with Bekah or Kendall. What do y’all think?

So what did I miss? What was your favorite (or least favorite) part of the episode?

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