**The only spoilers in this recap are what happened in the episode. Everything else is just my opinion.**
Every so often, I try to switch up the way I watch and recap the show. This season I’ve been watching the episode twice. The first time to watch and sometimes tweet, and the second time to write the recap.
This week, however, I did things a little differently. By now I’ve watched the show three times. Twice during nap breaks while watching my bff’s baby, and once while writing my recap. My thinking was that it’d be easier to write this if I had it running in the background before my real thorough watch. But apparently I hate myself and want to put myself through utter torture. Well that’s the last time I do that. Especially when it’s regarding the most boring season ever. Honestly, the most exciting thing about this episode had nothing to do with Arie and everything to do with Krystal.
The crew arrives in Paris. Did anyone else notice Krystal’s outfit while they’re making them shoot those corny staged videos of them walking around? It’s like she noticed Bekah looked like Rizzo last week and wanted to make sure everyone knows that she’s the star. She’s Sandy!
It’s official. My disdain for Chris Harrison is based solely on jealousy. I mean, c’mon! They flew him out to Paris so that he could tell Arie they’re in a romantic city and pretend to listen to his complaints about how hard the process is. And then we only see him two other times in the episode. HOW DO I GET CONSIDERED FOR A JOB LIKE THIS?! Seriously, ABC. I can state the obvious and slink in and out of rooms. Pick me. Imagine getting to travel and then only work a total of 30 minutes tops and still make bank.
The ladies are spending the next few days in a hotel that’s also a boat. (Tia refers to the rooms as “Parisian” … which … duh OK they’re in Paris so that checks out.) I really hope no one gets seasick. Chris tells them that the week will go a little differently.. There’s a two-on-one date, and Krystal’s sure she’ll be on it.
One-on-one date with Lauren
But for now, we’re focusing on the first one-on-one date of the episode, which is with Lauren. Are we still saying last initials or are we over it since she’s the last Lauren standing? Arie picks her up and the ladies are jealous of the fact that she’s going from one boat to another boat. What’s a girl gotta do to stay on land in this episode?
“I was saving this date for you.” Arie you are such a liar, good thing Lauren’s too smart to believe that --
“Were you really? Thank you!”
Mmkay I stand corrected.
Arie basically admitted that he knows nothing about Lauren but thinks she’s really pretty.
Y’all. Did anything even happen on this date? Did they talk? This is awkward.
Very interesting that all of the ladies recognize the fact that Lauren is extremely guarded and doesn’t really open up.
“I would love more than anything for you to like me… It’s kinda like I have a crush on you and I want you to like me,” Arie says. Someone explain to me how Bekah is the immature one. Also did Lauren just not respond, or are we thinking ABC cut her response?
Discussing the awkward day they had:
“I feel like there was a lot of pressure on me,” Lauren says.
Arie’s like you shouldn’t feel that way, especially on a show that lasts two months and at the end of it I’m going to pick someone to propose to. But no pressure, K?
Can we talk about how Arie’s stories seemingly contradict each other? I’m not saying the story of his girlfriend who had a miscarriage didn’t happen. I can’t even imagine. However, I keep going back to where he says he didn’t bring anyone home to meet his parents. He also seems like someone who would simplify a really complicated story. I wonder if we’ll ever hear from his ex about what really happened.
Lauren talks about how she’s guarded because she had a past relationship and was engaged and now has a hard time trusting. Arie’s like, I missed all of that but you’re cute so want the rose?
Group date with Tia, Sienne, Bekah, Becca, Chelsea, Jenna
The date is at the Moulin Rouge -- which is actually pretty dang exciting.
I want to give ABC some kudos for a decent date spot, but per usual they muck it up by making the women dance. I need someone to explain to me how making people embarrass themselves equals a fun time.
“I never thought I’d be at the Moulin Rouge. I never thought I would be in Paris. I never thought I would be with the most gorgeous man alive.” Jenna you must be playing “two truths and a lie” here. Bet I can tell which one’s the lie.
I love how the woman is grading the ladies as dancers like there’s an actual end to this. “Oh we have lots of work to do” she says about Tia’s dancing as if it means anything.
I think ABC was just looking for an excuse to use those black bars again. What’s the point when they pick the location for the dates?
Anyone else feel like Arie was talking directly to Sienne when he said he’d be giving the rose to who he had the strongest connection with and not the person who did the best during the date?
Chelsea, I don’t think you can fight over a man and complain that someone else is a child.
Sienne speaks French for .2 seconds and reminds us why she’s awesome and still too good for Arie.
Bekah gets the rose and pretends to be excited to perform in the show with Arie. Actually, I kinda of believe she’s pumped, but that’s more about going on stage than hanging out with Arie. The girl is a natural performer.
So the ladies who didn’t get the rose get to go to the show and watch the worst lip syncing performance I’ve ever seen.
Tia has spoken for all of us so many times this season, but I think this one takes the cake: “I am so uncomfortable.” Same, girl. SAME.
Were the directors just like “Arie, even if you don’t know the words, just move your lips. No one will notice”?
Bekah’s like “This was the most amazing thing ever … and I got the rose!” I love that the rose was an afterthought.
Why are we seeing video of Arie in his hotel room pretending to think? Unnecessary shot, ABC.
Two-on-one date: Kendall and Krystal
You can’t blame me for wanting to transcribe everything Krystal says because it’s reality TV gold and we all know what’s going to happen to her. But thank the Lord for giving me the strength to say “Not today, Krystal.”
She stumbles upon the date card and performs a dramatic reading that makes every actor breathe a sigh of relief. Krystal might be coming for your job, but she’s not going to get it with those extra long pauses. What’s up with the poem at the beginning, Dr. Seuss? Was that made up on the spot or did the producers write it? Either way, sounded dumb.
“Baby, I’m wife material. Yes. Fun wife material.” Sure, Krystal. I’m sure all the women on Snapped were fun wife material at one time, too.
How about you chill out and stop overreacting when it comes to Kendall’s response? Kendall is nervous. It’s kind of the same reaction you had when you found out there’d be no rose ceremony a couple of weeks ago. Leave her alone.
It makes me wonder if she was tipped off to the fact that she wasn’t going to win so just decided to play up the villain thing. The fact that she’s getting worse and worse makes me think this is exaggerated. Maybe she’s trying to use this to get a good spot on Bachelor in Paradise. The more people remember who she is, the better chance she has of staying in the limelight.
The good thing about Paris is that even the more boring spots (sooo they’re hanging out at a house for the day?) are gorgeous and filled with history.
“This morning I’m feeling a little anxious.” NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, ARIE.
They go through a garden maze, and Krystal and Kendall must find Arie in the middle. I’d like to take a moment to point out here that they are both taller than the maze so they should be able to see over it and not get as lost as they do. Krystal finds Arie first and makes out with him.
After this incredibly fun time (not), he takes each of the ladies aside for one-on-one time.
With Krystal they have two completely different interpretations of what happened last week. Krystal thinks it’s a good thing because they got through it. Arie’s still upset she didn’t come to him first. Despite saying completely different things, they make out at the end so guess all is good now.
Krystal definitely thinks all is good, because she uses her time to rag on Kendall and the fact that she doesn’t think Kendall is emotionally ready. (Or those were his words, which I’m thinking could come back to haunt Kendall later.)
Naturally, Arie tattles on Krystal and tells Kendall what was said. This is obviously an issue he’s been thinking about or he wouldn’t bring it up. Kendall has been slowly winning me over, but this week she jammed the pedal down and sped past the finish line. I am officially a fan. And with this season, being a fan means I don’t want her to end up with Arie. She’s too good for him. She’s far too wise.
“I don’t think it’s about having a time when you’re ready for love or not. I don’t believe there’s a specific timeline that says “well at this point I’m ready for love, I’m ready for marriage.” It’s more so finding somebody who brings it out in you. Like, I want somebody that I can see marriage in, and I want to say ‘I can see marriage in you; I can see forever with you.’” YOU BETTER PREACH, KENDALL.
Not only does she make Arie’s brain explode with words that mean something, she also has the balls to go back to Krystal and confront her. And Krystal has nothing. It’s clear that it was a ploy to get into Arie’s head and make him second guess Kendall. (The problem, however, is that while it may not have worked in this episode, it might work in a future one.) Krystal’s blank stare while Kendall is speaking is the same look we all make when Krystal speaks.
And when Kendall does the butt scooch and holds Krystal’s hand -- you go ahead and kill her with kindness -- Krystal is shooting daggers with her eyes. This scene is amazing and was worth the third watch. I think Kendall is genuine, but I also think she’s doing the best job trolling someone that I’ve ever seen.
Krystal’s response: “I don’t really have words.”
It really says something about a season when the best and most exciting moments happen when the main person isn’t even there. I kind of forgot about Arie until he walked up. How long do you think the producers made him wait before going back to meet the ladies? BREAKING BORING NEWS: Arie’s going to wait until dinner to give one woman the rose and send the other one home.
Cool, cool. What do we think he could possibly learn by dinner that he doesn’t already know? Nothing? K, that’s what I thought.
Love how they make Krystal and Kendall sit by themselves at the dinner table before Arie arrives. Krystal thinks this is a good time to tell Kendall that she didn’t like her lecture from earlier and found it patronizing.
Kendall: “When I see that maybe you have trouble connecting with people…”
Krystal: “I don’t have trouble connecting with people.”
Kendall: “I guess maybe just people in this experience ... “
Krystal: “I don’t have trouble connecting with people.”
Kendall, it’s time to stop wasting your breath and going around in circles with this woman. Thank goodness she agrees and says they should focus on their relationship with Arie rather than their relationship with each other.
Once Arie arrives, Krystal goes into this long monologue about the highs and lows of the experience. For the love of God, when you say something is indescribable, please don’t go on to use words that describe it.
Arie asks to speak to Kendall. The first and second time I watched this episode, I had it on in the background while I did other things and figured I just missed something. But by the third time, I knew for a fact that ABC chose not to air Arie and Kendall’s conversation. What’s more, they also didn’t show if Arie spoke to Krystal as well. I can’t tell if it’s because the conversation was extra boring or what. Either way, it feels like waiting until dinner was an unnecessary move because nothing new happens or is revealed by the time Arie is ready to give out the rose.
What actually is Arie’s speech? What is he talking about? Does he think he sounds smart? I’m not transcribing it because I respect myself too much.
Kendall gets the rose and gets to go to the Eiffel Tower with Arie; Krystal’s sent home.
This makes me happy for two reasons:
The length of words will now return to normal. (No more “Hiiiiiiiiiii” or “babyyyyyyy”!)
I love a good clip of women celebrating women… going home.
Krystal has an endgame here. She’s trying to get on another show. I feel like at the end of the day, most of the women try to be the next Bachelorette. And that explains the speech Krystal gives about wanting love and giving her all and whatever. I wonder if she knows she has already burned that Bachelorette bridge down to the ground. America doesn’t root for villains.
“I just want to feel, like, accepted and good enough,” Krystal says through literally no tears and a forced shaky voice. Is this supposed to be where we realize the villain really isn’t a villain and has a heart of gold? I’m not buying it, are you?
One-on-one date: Jacqueline
I have to keep reminding myself her name is not Josephine. This is the most we’ve ever seen of her! I like her a lot! (Though ABC is trying to push the “smart ladies like Arie” narrative a little too hard, in my opinion.)
I paused the show right before their date, and there’s only 20 minutes left in the show… including the rose ceremony. Looks like I won’t have all that much to recap here.
“We’re like crazy attracted to each other, but it just seems like he’s not mine yet, and I just can’t get that out of my head.” He’s not yours yet. What gave it away? The eight other women throwing themselves at him, perhaps?
The convertible breakdown scene reminds me of Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion. (Burn rubber!) Really the breakdown is a symbol of most of the relationships that stem from this franchise: Looks good at first but barely goes anywhere.
They hop a cab and go to a high-fashion store. Anyone else catch old man Arie complaining about one of the jackets? “Where’s the rest of it?!” Daaaaaaaad! Get with the times.
And just like that, Jacqueline is in a new outfit and the two are headed to dinner. ABC is really speeding this date along, and while it’s not great for Jacqueline airtime-wise, it’s great for the viewers who don’t want to sit through a minimum of five minutes of awkward silence. (Now I’m wondering why they gave Lauren’s date so much time when they barely even spoke to each other!)
After sharing her concerns and thoughts about how she wondered how much he cares about her in relation to the other ladies, THIS is how Arie responds: “I’m gonna be completely blunt with you. I think in the beginning, I was like ‘she’s far too intelligent for me.’” What do you mean in the beginning? What made you decide that you’re on her level intelligence-wise? Do you go for dumb women? Just admit it so I can respect your game.
I respect Jacqueline’s game even more. She’s like my school comes before this sham of a relationship so you have to be down with that.
She gets the rose of course, because she’s awesome. I’m sorry I didn’t try to learn your name before, Jacqueline.
Random thoughts during the rose ceremony:
- Soooo no cocktail party?
- If Chris Harrison doesn’t announce it first does it even matter?
- “This week has been a lot of things.” Your wisdom astounds me, Arie.
- I never noticed the owl tattoo on the back of Tia’s left arm until now. I think I love her even more.
- Where does Chris Harrison go after he pops in to say there’s one rose left and then to tell the ladies who didn’t get a rose to say their goodbyes?
Chelsea and Jenna go home. I didn’t expect to say goodbye to Chelsea AND Krystal in the same episode. So I guess there aren’t any villains left now. I’m bummed I didn’t get a real chance to see Chelsea as the bad guy again.
Next up: Tuscany!
Bekah is having the best gap year ever!
What the heck was up with the last scene? Is Lauren kind of threatening to go home? Who is she talking to? Why are they showing this? This is more than she’s ever said to Arie. I’m confused. What an odd way to end the show.
What was your favorite part of the show? Do you think Lauren is going to be the new villain?? What did I miss in this recap?
Thanks for reading, and I hope you’ll tune in next week!