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The Bachelor Recap: Arie's Season, Episode 1

Paul Hebert/ABC

Paul Hebert/ABC

 

Holy crap. If you’re playing my drinking/exercise game, we’re 10 seconds in and you’re either wasted or already have the glutes of a Greek statue. He’s literally just said this is the most important race of his life -- mmkay, I’m going to need you to explain exactly what you mean by that -- then he puts on a uniform and helmet. So no explanation? K, great.

Thank God for the quick recap of the season Arie was on first. Not that it helps makes sense of why he’s walking around with a constipated look on his face and a racing helmet in his hand. Apparently after losing the first time, he traveled to Emily’s house and left his journal on her doorstep. I’m trying to decide whether this is creepy, sad, or sweet. At the reunion, Emily lied and said she didn’t read the journal when we all know she broke out the wine, called her best friends and read it out loud.

Do Sean and Catherine have some dirt on ABC or something? I know they’re fan favorites, but they’re ALWAYS on these shows somehow. Their baby is adorable, but I’m positive their advice falls on deaf ears. Be a gentleman? OK, sure. Ten bucks says I end up hating Arie by the end of this thing. Though to be fair, I didn’t know who he was until last week.

Chris Harrison, I’m still not a fan of you, but I hope you’ll understand that it’s mostly because I’m jealous you make millions stating the obvious and walking in and out of rooms.

“Welcome to this exciting season of The Bachelor!” aka we’re going to manipulate the crap out of this incredibly boring season following the love life of a man you never wanted to see again. Now let me explain to you why Arie is so great. He um has a job. He’s cute I’m told. Someone once said he’s a decent kisser. His mom also told me to tell you he’s a good catch.

Thanks, Chris.

OK bring on the ladies!

I’m not going to go over all of the canned intros of the women because none of it matters and we won’t remember any of this. Rather we’ll wittle the identities of these women down to one-to-two word descriptions.

“I don’t like Chelsea.”
“Which one’s Chelsea, again?”
“Crazy mom.”
“Ohhh right, right.”

I will say that I love the fake shots of the women “doing their job” and “being good people.” So proud of you for really selling that house to those people who definitely aren’t your BFF, her husband and some baby you found. I’ll also say that Wiener is my new favorite town and taxidermy still freaks me out! My guess is that Arie isn’t shown these clips before the first night. If that’s the case, these women should be so grateful for that.

Chris and Arie’s conversation before the women arrive is super awkward. I can’t tell if Chris is trying to calm his nerves or make things worse. Does Chris just laugh when Arie does? Not one funny thing was said during this convo.

How weird would it be if a limo rolls up in front of you and all you hear is a bunch of people screaming your name?

Thoughts on the arrivals:

  • The music alone that’s playing when Chelsea comes out of the limo tells me she’s going to be a handful.
  • Did that weiner joke go over Arie’s head? After giving Arie a weiner keychain (to remind him of her hometown), Tia says “Please tell me you don’t have a little weiner.” Arie’s response: “I do not have this.” The keychain, Arie? Are you talking about the keychain??
  • Arie feels the need to comment under his breath after meeting every woman. Yeah, she’s pretty. We get it.
  • “It’s kind of nerve-wracking to see so many beautiful girls coming into the house.” - Tia
    I’m sorry, did you think this show was taking place in a troll den?
  • I wonder if the producers really let the women plan their entrances or do they coach them the whole way through. I mean, all the women know Arie is into cars, so can they really be all that shocked when someone shows up in a race car??
  • Speaking of Maquel’s race car entrance, easily the best entrance of the night.
  • Most cringeworthy entrances: Becca, who made Arie get on one knee to fake propose to her; and Ali, who made Arie smell her armpit.
  • There are how many Laurens on this show?? When I forget a name, I’m just going to say Lauren. 

 

  • I initially thought Annalise would get the first impression rose. She was the one wearing the mask, and when they first met he didn’t stop finding ways to touch her.
  • Any time one of the ladies talks about how she’s not insecure, just wait 5 seconds. She’ll end up saying something that proves how insecure she really is.

Oh, Chris is back to give this extra-special piece of advice before Arie goes in to see the women: “Get ready for the night of your life.” Gee, thanks?

Once inside, Arie gives a toast where he basically says I’m so glad I get to go on this journey. Somehow that’s enough to put some of the women at ease.

Chelsea is the first to grab him and so begins the “may I steal him” dance.

To one woman, Arie tries to explain why he’s back on the show like it’s not because everyone else said no, he’s bored and he wants to get PAID: “I was a boy then. Now I’m a man.” So glad you made it through your “not a boy, not yet a man” stage. OK Britney Spears, calm it down a notch.

Brittany T./the producers come up with the best and most perfect way to incorporate race cars -- an impromptu race with motorized toy cars. She may not have learned a thing about him, but she did get a kiss.

The rest of the night proved relatively uneventful aside from the fact that Chelsea swoops in for more time, which included an awkward-for-me make out sesh.

On Jenna, Arie’s all like I don’t get her at all, I don’t know her job, she can’t form a real sentence, but I’m intrigued. Whatever floats your boat, bud.

All Chris Harrison has to do is walk in, set the first impression rose down, and walk out and now all the women are rethinking their entire lives up to this moment.

Not loving the fact that Chelsea ended up getting it, since it only encourages her needy, borderline crazy behavior. But I have a feeling she won’t make it as far as most first impression winners do.

At the rose ceremony, Arie’s like if I send you home, it’s not because you’re not an amazing person, it’s because I don’t think you’re an amazing person.

Here’s who went home:

  • Jessica
  • Brittane
  • Amber
  • Ali (Sooo I shouldn’t make someone I just met smell my armpit? Noted.)
  • Olivia
  • Nysha
  • Briana
  • Lauren J (It’s OK there are still several left.)

My favorites so far:

  • Bekah (Love that she’s a nanny, love that she’s rocking the short hair!)
  • Bibiana (I don’t think she’ll make it that far, but I’m living for her commentary.)
  • Seinne (OK, I just love her name!)
  • Brittany T. (The car race won me over.)

What'd you think of the first episode? Is Arie growing on anyone else? (Just me? OK!) Tell me about your favorites, so far!

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