I didn’t feel like writing a full recap. Instead I decided to write a raw, unedited, real-time list of thoughts and mutterings as I watched the finale. Nope, that’s a lie, you don’t want my writing unedited -- trust me. This is possibly the most dramatic list of ramblings you’ve ever read based on the most dramatic and emotional show you’ve ever seen.
Just kidding, the list is as lame as this show. Have fun reading!
A special 3-hour season finale?? Lord what have I gotten myself into??
Oh, here comes Chris Harrison earning his keep by chilling with a live audience and pretending to be surprised by everything that’s about to happen.
All of Arie’s acts were in the name of love? Mmkay. Sure.
Way to bring up Juan Pablo and Jason Mesnick to take the edge off.
We all know Arie’s vocabulary is limited so obviously his flowery descriptions of Peru were fed to him word for word.
I truly wish this show switched out Arie for some alpacas weeks ago.
I’d like to give a shoutout to Arie’s dad for calling Arie crazy. It’s what we all wanted to say.
Lauren says she’ll calm down before meeting his parents -- have we ever seen an overexcited Lauren?
“I’m very happy to be in Peru with the man I’m in love with.” Who the heck asked Lauren to give a toast?
Arie’s family is stressing brutal honesty a little too much during dinner. I don’t believe any of you.
The way Lauren describes her relationship with Arie makes me wonder what I’ve been missing here.
Oh, apparently nothing since Arie’s sister asks him about another relationship where he thought there weren’t any real conversations.
How come ABC didn’t dig up Lauren’s ex-fiancee?
Peru makes me think of The Emperor’s New Groove, which is one of the best Disney movies ever. (Go watch it, then try to fight me on it.)
Poor Becca. I can’t imagine being second to meet the family.
I can’t imagine being part of a family that has to meet two girlfriends on two different days.
Each woman brought Arie’s mom flowers. What’s she supposed to do with all those flowers?
What’s with Arie’s whole family bringing up Lauren during their conversations with Becca? Awkward.
How weird would it be to tell your boyfriend’s dad that you kind of get along with his other girlfriend but you got along better with the girlfriends he’s already dumped?
I think Arie’s dad was tougher on Becca just because he went through this the day before.
OMG -- every single person has brought up Lauren.
Being first DEFINITELY would’ve been better.
Becca says comparing her and Lauren is like comparing an apple to a starfish. I think you’re giving Lauren a little too much credit here. More like comparing a starfish to a rice cake.
Ugh -- the family is like “there’s no wrong choice.” They’re people, not entrees from your favorite restaurant!
Oh dang. The whole family is team Becca.
How is everyone acting like this is a normal conversation you’d have with a family member??
Arie’s ilke I think our next dates will provide more clarity. I’m like THERE ARE MORE DATES??
I wonder how much time the family really gets with each of the women.
I’d be like: Family, I love you, but you spent two hours with them. I’ll chose who I want.
I don’t love how often Chris Harrison says “Bachelor Nation,” and frankly. Not loving how he says it either.
Caroline, you get that extra airtime, girl!
Ohhh, Caroline. Playing coy like you don’t know what happened. We all heard you on the Women Tell All speak with such confidence. Let’s not forget ABC totally leaked the end of the episode. Is someone trying to square up a spot on Bachelor in Paradise??
Each time we see Chris Harrison, his lips purse close and closer together -- things are ‘bout to get real dramatic.
“It’s going to be, like, breathtaking.” Arie’s description of Machu Piccu is literally mind-blowing.
On their date, Lauren and Arie’s “remember when” conversation lasts all of 15 seconds. Because they’ve only known each other for like 15 seconds.
Oh no. They’ve spent enough time with each other that Lauren’s started to say “I like that.”
I still can’t get over how boring it is watching the two of them in the coolest locations.
If you talk about sending someone home in the morning, then totally change your tune by the afternoon, shouldn’t that make you apprehensive?
Can someone explain to me the struggles and ups and downs Lauren’s describing< Nothing bad has happened to them. At all.
The both of them are like, “I don’t know why but I feel things.” Sounds legit.
I regret complaining about the lack of conversations between Lauren and Arie. Hearing them talk for extended lengths of time is kind of unbearable.
It’s weird that Chris Harrison asks past contestants what they think will happen when they’re BFFs with Becca and already know everything.
I’m gonna need Chris Harrison to keep it in his pants about this being the most dramatic season finale.
I hate that we all know he’s right.
But let’s not forget how bad his track record is. He’s said this every single season. He’s been right maybe three times.
Oh the irony -- Arie talking about needing clarity while walking through rain to meet Becca for their date.
Arie looks better when trying on Peruvian clothes than in most of the clothes I’m sure he picks out himself. Never forget:
48. When it comes to this season of this show, I’d say this llama is my spirit animal:
49. Is it me or does Arie sound smarter when he’s with Becca?
50. Arie talks about clarity as if God’s going to strike down one of the women and make the decision for him.
51. Bro, if you don’t know by now, you don’t know.
52. Oh Becca’s got a gift for Arie. Really sweet that she mentions her father in the note.
53. Wait, did she just sign the note “Becca K.”?
54. Oh, girl, no. A remember when scrapbook? And a section for our first baby?? Ladies, don’t take notes here. This is NOT appropriate after dating someone for less than three months.
55. It just occurred to me that typically when you date someone for three months you’d probably spend more time with them than if you were dating on this show. And you wouldn’t have to share your boo with several others. And even then it’s still be a little strange to talk about marriage and babies.
56. LOL at Chris Harrison trying to remind us that there were other conflicted bachelors on the show.
57. I wonder if they asked Juan Pablo to come or if they didn’t even bother.
58. Let’s not at like Jason and Arie are the same. Jason agonized over his choice. Remember all the tears?
59. Oh you don’t? Here’s a reminder:
60. We haven’t seen Arie shed a single tear over this.
61. Watching him pretend to look thoughtfully out of a window isn’t convincing me he’s having all that tough of a time here.
62. Lauren, no one leans on a door frame and drinks coffee like this:
63. Did the producers say “act natural” and this was your way of doing it or something?
64. Oh haaaaay Neil Lane.
65. Neil Lane blows Chris Harrison out of the water when it comes to the best job ever. He gets to go to the coolest locations!
66. How weird would it be if Neil Lane stopped being part of the show? I think I’d throw a fit.
67. Who’s going to be first out of the car?
68. Ah, I’d know that beaded fringe anywhere -- it’s Lauren.
69. Do the contestants always give a speech before the proposal/rejection?
70. Who wrote Lauren’s speech? I really want to know. Save that and use it as a writing sample on your next job application.
71. That’s a lot of eyelashes and mascara for someone who knows they’re going to end up crying in one way or another.
72. Ummm. When Lauren said, “I still love you” was Arie’s response seriously ,”I know you do”? That should’ve told us all we need to know about the guy.
73. Lauren talking about how terrified Arie should be that he didn’t know who to choose until that morning is the most insightful she’s ever been.
74. Chris Harrison lip purse level:
75. The way he keeps plugging this raw, unedited footage makes me think it’s going to be just as disappointing as this entire season.
76. Arie’s “proposal” to Becca is kind of hard to watch considering we know what happens.
77. And if you didn’t know the ending … there’s still a whole hour left. So you had to know SOMETHING was coming.
78. So… these speeches must all be written down somewhere. Arie keeps looking down.
79. It’s clear that Arie literally wakes up thinking about the last person he saw. I’m surprised he didn’t propose to his housekeeper.
80. OMG the rose fell off the stem. I’m confident the producers wouldn’t have kept that in if the couple stayed together.
81. Ahh, they’re so happy!
82. Ahh, this is about to be so awful.
83. Chris Harrison lip purse level:
84. Homeboy is salivating just thinking about how many people are tuning in.
85. Arie’s still thinking about Lauren. Shocker.
86. How long did production know he was going to end the engagement?
87. I ask because it’s almost like they were like, “Let’s get some sad shots of you. We’ll wait until it rains to really sent the mood.”
88. Yes, Arie, the best place to get advice is from the cameraman and Chris Harrison. Don’t you have family … or friends?
89. We know you have a family because we saw them. About an hour and a half ago when you were still in love with Becca.
90. I have no doubt in my mind that Chris Harrison was like, “Put that s**t on TV, man!”
91. Sorry, it doesn’t look like this has been eating Arie alive. It looks like he doesn’t care.
92. Can’t fault Becca for being blindsided here. In fact, it looks like production was around for multiple meetups after official filming ended.
93. Yikes -- they call them “happy couple” weekends? This show is dripping with irony!
94. Becca’s last words: “I’m excited to see him.” Me (and all of us) watching from the comfort of my couch:
95. Chris Harrison lip purse level:
96. “Fair warning: It may just be the most emotional scene ever.” There’s no way that’s possible, Chris. How bout you bring it down a notch?
97. OK BRING ON THE RAW FOOTAGE!
98. Oh dang, no kiss on the lips. Dude is serious.
99. Oh not that serious obviously, since he’s waiting for the cameras and crew to set up first. What is wrong with you?
100. I’m sorry … you already spoke with Lauren?
101. And Becca gave you the OK to do it for closure? Well that backfired.
102. I’m so glad Becca called Arie out and repeated his words about his vapid relationship with Lauren.
103. This dude definitely talked bad about each woman to the other -- total jerk.
104. At least Juan Pablo knew he wasn’t ready to propose.
105. Yeah, I said it.
106. I think I’m OK with Juan Pablo now. Thanks, Arie!
107. Chris Harrison lip purse level:
108. You get up and go, Becca! He doesn’t deserve you.
109. ARIE LEAVE HER ALONE -- I know you got your cues from production, but chill.
110. And then she’s telling you to go and you won’t. What is wrong with you? Let the girl cry in peace.
111. Oh good, he’s finally out of the house.
112. Don’t go back in.
113. Don’t go back in.
114. Just stay outside.
115. Or go home.
116. Just go home.
117. Ugh, Arie, NO!
118. Cool, cool, going back in is a fabulous idea.
119. Even better idea: Ask her if she’s OK and when she tells you to leave (again) just follow her around for a little bit.
120. Whoever told Arie sticking around would make him look like he’s compassionate and caring was oh so wrong.
121. America is not happy with you at all, bro.
122. Chris Harrison lip purse level:
123. When we come back we’re going to find out how it all ends?? I think we know.
124. I’m starting to think I would’ve preferred the edited version of this footage, ABC.
125. You flew a little too close to the sun, got some dramatic footage and then bored us to death with it.
126. I feel bad for Becca, but I feel worse for myself.
127. She went through this weeks ago, and I’m having to go through it right now.
128. Wow, so glad Arie stuck around begging for a conversation just so he could state the obvious (like the fact that he blindsided her) and she could tell him to leave.
129. Arie, get out! For goodness sake!
130. The driver of Arie’s car is like, “I’ve been paid to drive you around, but I know what you did so I’m going to make you look stupid one last time by making it difficult for you to get in the car.” That driver is my hero.
131. So we watched an hour of a breakup with only a couple minutes left to talk to Becca. Great move.
132. The only thing we learned from that quickie chat with Becca is that Arie hasn’t reached out (shocker) and that Becca will have to sit down with Arie and ask him all the questions on the next live show.
133. What I learned from watching this is that I must not love myself as much as I thought to watch this not once, but twice so I could get this write-up done.
One last lip purse for the road:
I’m not going to recap the After the Rose because I don’t want to. But look for a round-up post on my favorite tweets of the episode.
Thanks for reading and following along with me as I recapped this awful, awful season of this awful, awful show!