The Bachelor Recap: Arie's Season, Episode 9

**The only spoilers in this recap are what happened in the episode. Everything else is just my opinion.**

It’s down to the final three women and Arie must make the decision of a lifetime… or you know just like a decision that he can change or break or do with as he pleases. Let’s not act like the decisions on this show are binding (especially when it comes to The Bachelor -- they almost never end up with their person).

I have to give a big thank you to production for securing some of these locations. It’s been a boring season, but the scenery has been fantastic. The locations have been a good reminder that I need to travel soon. And Peru looks absolutely gorgeous, doesn’t it?

“I’m so excited to finally be here … in Peru!” Arie tells the nearest goat. Can someone please walk me through the use of the word “finally” in this show? Do they understand the concept of time? It’s been maybe two months. MAYBE. So last week you shouldn’t have been finally getting to meet their parents, and this week you shouldn’t be finally getting to do anything either. In no way is this how a relationship typically progresses. (Maybe next week we can dive into how much they say they miss each other.)

Date with Kendall

Kendall looks great on the date, but anyone else feel like she’s dressed for a date on Farmer Chris’ season? (Remember how they all wore plaid flannel shirts around their waists?)

She’s nervous things aren’t progressing as quickly as they should and worries that she’s not ready for marriage. Of course Arie is worried about that, too, as the man seems dead set on proposing to one of the women by the end of the show. (Imagine how messed up it must be to think, “Well he could propose to me or he could propose to one of my friends.” Dear God this show is horrible and I’m horrible too because I can’t stop watching it.)

Anyways, as we all know, Kendall is definitely not ready for marriage, but let’s watch her try to pretend she is.

“Today is an extremely important day because although it’s fun and I know I’m going to have fun with Arie, I feel like I have to say whether or not I can actually see myself being engaged at the end of all this.” That sounds like a lot of pressure.

Shocker of the year, Arie has a date that involves driving something. I’m so shocked. This never happens. Does he even like to drive?

I’m the least adventurous person ever, and even I’d be down for a date like this. Nice job ABC.

“Dune-buggying is like a relationship, you know? There’s ups and downs. It’s scary but also exciting.”

Here’s how I picture the producers dragging that little gem out of Arie:

Producers: How is going in a dune-buggy like falling in love?
Arie: It’s not.
Producers: OK, but try to describe it that way.
Arie: It’s a vehicle.
Producers: No just say that there are like ups and downs and that it’s scary but exciting.
Arie: K.

“I want to make sure Arie isn’t dating me just because I’m quirky and I like taxidermy,” Kendall says. I don’t think he’s dating you because of your love for taxidermy, dear. You can breathe a sigh of relief.

I don’t know that we’ve ever seen more eating than on this season of The Bachelor. I like it.

Kendall’s basically like I can’t go to the Fantasy Suite unless I’m ready for marriage. You can, and you will. Has anyone ever said no to the Fantasy Suite??

Arie’s like the thing is Kendall and I have so much fun that we forget to ask each other tough questions. No kidding. The hardest question you’ve asked her is “Will you accept this rose?” and the hardest question she’s asked you is “Will you stuff this rat?”

What a solid foundation to a relationship.

Look, I didn’t watch Arie’s season where he was the contestant but I can’t imagine that he’d do as well as Kendall seems to be doing under all that pressure.

When talking about Kendalls quirks (or “quarks” as Arie puts it), he’s tells her he didn’t know how to take the taxidermy thing but now he’s OK with it. What, have you been going to a taxidermy support group or something?

I don’t know how I’ve missed this, but does the Fantasy Suite room key always come from Chris Harrison via a creepy note? I can’t imagine getting a card from someone I kind of know that’s like, “Hey, if y’all want to bone here’s a key to a room in a hotel.”

Nice shot of clothes on the floor to show that they had sex, ABC.

“Do you like milk with your eggs to make them fluffy? No, you like them sunnyside up, nevermind. You like them super crispy on the bottom. See, this is what I learned about you last night: How you take your eggs.” Way to retain one thing from a whole night of “talking” and pat yourself on the back for it, Arie.

I still don’t believe Kendall is falling in love with him, I just think she feels like she has to and that it’s where she should be.

I missed this on the first watch, but Arie definitely tells Kendall he’s falling in love with her, too.

Date with Lauren

First off, can we talk about Lauren’s abs? Holy cow! I need to do some crunches.

When Lauren sees Arie this is what she says: “Hey! There’s a plane behind you.” This must be what she meant when she said she wanted them to have deeper conversations. Doesn’t get much deeper than that.

Do you think all of the women wear shorts or pants on their day dates so they won’t flash anything when jumping into his arms and wrapping their legs around him? Do they practice that before coming on the show or something? It’s seamless every single time.

Of all the dates I would want subtitles for, this is not the one. Now I have to read their boring conversations? Thanks a lot, ABC.

“That’d be our roadblock. I see this incredible woman, but I only get to see glimpses of her.” Can you alert us to when those glimpses happen? Despite watching each episode at least twice, I must've missed them.

It’s interesting because you’d think the one-on-one time would be Lauren’s chance to shine. She definitely seems to be in her own head about the whole process (and I can’t say that I blame her -- who wouldn’t be??), but Arie’s right: if he spends a ton of time having to reassure her, it takes away from their time and their relationship.

I like seeing them have a real conversation, though. And I appreciate Lauren being honest about her thoughts and her feelings.

I think she really does have feelings for him, I just think she came on the show expecting to boost her Instagram presence and the whole “falling in love” thing has shocked her system.

“Lauren told me that she just wants to give up and walk away from this and that scares me because I do love her and I think we could be amazing.”

A couple of things here:

  1. That’s one of MANY things she told you, but way to make it about you.

  2. He’s dropping the L word pretty liberally with her, and without the “falling” part, too.

This is the second date with Lauren where Arie makes it seem like a make or break date; as if he needs some real clarity or else he can’t move forward. I’m not buying it. If he loves her like he says and she loves him like she says, there’s no way Lauren goes home over Kendall.

Arie’s like me dating all these other women is great for us because it means I’ve gone through everyone and then can make the right decision. Your logic isn’t as sound as you think it is, Arie. That thinking better not catch on with the dudes here in Austin.

How is everyone that surprised when Arie pulls out the card for the Fantasy Suite? I wonder if Arie makes the ladies read the card out loud so he can test their reading comprehension skills.

“There’s too many reasons to even name why I love Arie … I don’t really know how to put it into words, I just know that I do love him.” So you can name the reasons you love him or you can’t?

Arie out dads himself by saying “This is it” before they go into their room for the night.

Interesting that ABC chooses to play a knockoff version of “How Do I Live Without You” as they’re talking and making out. Usually they don’t play music with words. I don’t think they played anything with Kendall. Is this a sign that Lauren wins??

Arie and Lauren pretending like they talked the night before is laughable. Talking. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

I may have jumped the gun considering Arie’s “dad-ness.” Apparently the limit does not exist:

OK but what is this outfit about?! (ABC)

OK but what is this outfit about?! (ABC)

Date with Becca

Becca’s like I’m falling in love with Arie but I haven’t said it yet. Girl, you better get on it. He’s been dropping L bombs on Lauren like crazy.

What’s a season of The Bachelor without a boat date that involves a crappy nod to Titanic and an annoying amount of makeout sessions?

Please let this be the last time you do this on this show, ABC.

Please let this be the last time you do this on this show, ABC.

Is it me, or does Becca and Arie’s relationship just seem like a merry go round of them repeating each other?

“You’re a nerd.”
“No you’re a nerd.”

“I’m excited!”
“I’m so excited!”

Ex-boyfriend talk alert! ABC is making us hear about Becca’s ex a liiiiiiittle too much. It’s gotta be her ex that shows up in Peru.

Arie calls his relationship with Becca safe, which is actually a little scary.

They talk about what would happen after the show, and I’m pretty sure they never come to a conclusion on who would move where.

The night portion of their date is in a really cool tent. The decor is on point.

I feel like Arie is pretending to be afraid of not being chosen so he can make himself look better in front of the ladies. Two out of three of these women are dying to be married to you and three out of three are dying just to be with you. I think you’re in the clear.

Becca tells Arie she loves him. Arie tells Becca he loves her, too.

So if you’re keeping track at home:

  • Arie is falling in love with Kendall; Kendall can see herself falling in love with Arie.
  • Arie loves Lauren; Lauren loves Arie.
  • Arie loves Becca; Becca loves Arie.

Is a rose ceremony even necessary at this point? We all know who’s going home this week.

I love this tent date and sleepover, but it’s definitely a date for after you’ve been married five years and seen it all. I mean, where do they go to the bathroom? Is there a porta potty somewhere? Do they dig holes in the sand? It’s too soon for them to see this side of each other!

That end of the bed camera angle isn’t doing anyone any favors, ABC. I know there was other footage you could’ve used.

The scary thing about the “I love yous” is that it’s almost never said by the main person (I think Ben was the only one who’s said it and said it to more than one person). So now everyone is feeling especially secure in their position:

Kendall thinks she’s fine because she thinks he’s not supposed to say “I love you.”

Lauren and Becca both think they’re fine because they each think he’s broken the “rules” and said it to only one person.

Becca’s on cloud 9: “Nothing can get in the way of it at all.”

The producers are like “OK she’s happy, that’s our cue!”


Let’s talk about the Ross situation

How dumb do you think we are, ABC? We know Ross didn’t scrounge up change and fly himself to Peru without anyone knowing. This was a total set up.

Ross pretending he doesn’t want to be on the camera and knows nothing about the show is a riot. He’s like ahh I didn’t know I could lose her, I didn’t realize someone gets engaged at the end of this. It’s been a year since y’all broke up, bro. She’s had a full year to meet someone until now and you’ve done nothing.

I wonder how much Ross got paid to look like a total fool?

Ross is like it wasn’t easy to get to here but it was a hell of a lot easier than it would’ve been if I had to pay my own way.

Arie says at first he didn’t know who Ross was and thought he was someone from the resort. At first I thought that was a dig, but I really think I would’ve thought that, too. But Ross got right to the point: “Hi. I’m Ross, I’m Becca’s ex.”

“I didn’t know who Ross was. But I get it now. He’s Becca’s ex.” Yeah man, what tipped you off?

Ross is handsome, though. Can he be the next Bachelor?

I can’t tell if Arie is more upset that Ross is there or that Ross used the word “journey” and that’s reserved for Bachelor stars only.

Arie, if you’re trying to tell him that your relationship with Becca is better than his, you probably shouldn't ask him how long they dated. No matter the length of time, it’s longer than how long you’ve known her.

I love how Arie is nervous about whether or not Becca will still have feelings for Ross if she wins. Oh like the same fear that any of the women have? Way to make this about you. Also, your anger is misplaced. It should be at production for orchestrating this.

Ross is like I love her and I can’t really respect your relationship if you choose her, kthanks.

When Ross goes to Becca, she doesn’t even invite him in her room. I wonder why she won’t do it. I mean, it’s not like they’re actually alone -- there’s a whole camera crew there.

“I feel like you live your life like a movie, and you think it’s going to end up like The Notebook.” BECCA, DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHOW YOU’RE ON??

Becca pretty much lets him down, but I still feel like she’s kind of keeping him on the hook just in case it doesn’t work out. She’s not really like I don’t want to be with you ever, she’s more like we ended things for a reason and I don’t want to go back to the way things were.

I love that last week Becca’s uncle was asking Arie if he would go to church with her and she swears more than anyone else on this season.

When Arie and Becca talk, it’s just basically a bunch of sentences that start but don’t end.

Arie: “My fear is that there’s still some love there.” And then immediately after he’s like I need to process this because there are three women I have strong feelings for. Think about what you just said.

The Rose Ceremony:

With 15 minutes to spare in the episode, Chris Harrison swoops in before the Rose Ceremony. I love that their conversation is just Chris Harrison saying a name, Arie going into a mini rant about that person, and then Chris Harrison just repeating the last phrase Arie said emphasizing different words. Good talk, bro.

When he’s in front of the three women, Arie’s like I’m so in love and I can’t wait to propose to someone. You know Becca and Lauren both think he’s talking directly to them.

Then Arie does something he’s never done before. Just kidding.

He asks to speak to Kendall separately.


ABC and Arie, y’all are wrong for making those women stand on cobblestone in heels. Not fun.

Arie pulls Kendall aside to tell her he’s going to move on with the other ladies.

“I don’t think we can get there,” he says.

My problem with dumping her this way is that Kendall made it clear that she loved the way he pulled her aside at the last rose ceremony to talk. So when he did it this time, I get the feeling she was thinking it would be for a good reason again.

“I love being around you,” Kendall says. “I know I’m going to miss that,” Arie responds. You’re going to miss being around her, too, or you’re going to miss how much she loved being around you? I think it’s the latter.

Kendall gets a bit emotional and tears up in the car on the way to wherever she’s going. Seriously, where is she going? They couldn’t let her stay at the resort one more night? Or did they just rent out the resort for the day? Or are they just driving her around for five minutes until she gets everything out of her system and then bringing her back to the same resort?

Arie doesn’t shed a single tear. And for some reason goes through with handing out the roses.

That leaves Becca and Lauren. Each think he’s in love with only her, so each woman is feeling especially confident.

My question is: How does watching this back make the winner feel?

I don’t think I’d be able to watch. Or I’d make ABC just send me the video of my moments.

What did you think of Arie saying I love you to two different women? Are you excited about the finale next week or dreading the hours and hours of hate-watching you’ll have to do?

Did you watch the Women Tell All episode? Krystal called Arie “needledick” on camera and I can’t help but wonder if they played up the morning after fantasy suite innuendos to counteract that. I thought they were all laying on how great the night was a little thick (pun intended and you’re welcome).

Pray for me next week as I try and tackle two nights of a finale. Thanks for reading!