Y'all, I cannot get over the fact that there’s no one with a weird occupation! It’s like ABC is pretending to take these ladies seriously or something.
OK onto Episode 2 of what already feels like a too-long season.
Arie’s sad attempt at trying to earn cool points involves him hopping on a motorcycle and riding out on the open road. Shame on you, Arie, for not taking the obvious bait and calling love an open road or something.
Meanwhile, the ladies cheers to finding love. Y’all know you’re fighting for the same man. You do? OK, cool. Cheers!
Oh hey, Chris Harrison, thanks for once again showing up uninvited.
Chelsea says she wants the one-on-one date so she can tell Arie why she’s so mysterious. Honey, if you have to tell someone why you’re mysterious it kind of means you’re not mysterious. At all. I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
But, alas, she doesn’t get the card. It’s a good thing, right? I’d rather anyone else but her get a one-on-one. (More on how I came to regret that thought later on in the show.)
Becca K. gets the date, and I’m instantly reminded that I only remember about three women from last week’s episode.
Right on cue, Arie rolls up and the women try to convince themselves he’s hot and doesn’t look like an uncle who got too excited about a sale at Wilson’s Leather.
It’s clear Becca’s never been on a motorcycle because she thinks he can hear her babbling about how excited she is while they’re riding to their destination. Arie says nothing.
The date is at a mansion with day-old shellfish and designer Rachel Zoe.
Arie’s like “ABC made a deal with Rachel Zoe in exchange for exposure … Iiii mean I planned this date for you.”
I’m honestly jealous of all the swag Becca’s getting. But a first date where I’m trying on clothes in front of a dude would end in tears and food poisoning from stress-eating the hell out of all the shellfish because I couldn’t fit into any of the dresses.
Is it me or is ABC pulling out all the stops a little early. It’s like they’re trying to make this a more exciting season or something.
[Drinking game alert: Drink when someone says “pillow lips.”]
Back at the house, the ladies wonder out loud if it’s weird to miss Arie already. YUP, SURE IS.
ABC decides to send Becca home to get ready -- I mean rile up all of the women to remind them of the date they missed out on. Well played, ABC.
Real talk: They were obviously more jealous of the swag than of the actual date. I can’t blame them.
Back on the date with Arie, Becca says to the producers: “I feel like a princess that has a crush.” Um… what?
Arie pretending like he, not the producers, chose Becca for the date is almost convincing.
All of America finally agrees with Arie when he says he never thought he’d be back on the show.
Becca brings up her on and off again relationship of seven years. Seven. Years. Sounds like a red flag to me. Anyone else think this might be foreshadowing the boyfriend who comes on the show and professes his love??
She gets the rose after talking about her father’s death. I gotta say, I kind of like her!
Arie: “I have one more surprise.”
Confetti. The surprise is confetti.
Back at the mansion:
More “pillow lips” talk. Please. Stop.
Krystal gets the next one-on-one date but doesn’t want to act too excited because the gravity of the situation is weighing on her? Oh that’s not a question, that’s a Krystal sentence where it ends on an unsure high note. It took a little time, but I now realize that a Chelsea date may not have been all that bad.
When they leave Chelsea wonders out loud, “Would he take a girl home that quick? I don’t know.” I do. He does.
Arie pulls out all the stops and takes credit for a private jet he knows he can’t afford. Dude, you’re doing real estate and you keep talking about how fun it is.
Krystal: “I just don’t have any words.” Then don’t talk, kthanks.
Arie’s like the cool thing about this date is that I get to talk about myself the entire time and you’re obligated to sit there and listen.
This is not an everyday date, Krystal. No one goes back to their high school on a first date. Or any date.
Arie’s like “I’m not a regular bachelor, I’m a cool bachelor. I got in trouble once in school.”
Photos and home movies. Arie, you’re so vain you probably think this date is about you. (I DO NOT REGRET THAT LAST SENTENCE.)
He then brings Krystal to meet the fam.
An actual sentence Krystal says to the cameraman (not to Arie’s parents -- thank God!): “Hey mom and dad! I’m … surprise!”
If the last person Arie brought home was Emily (which I’m convinced is a total lie since they all seem to live in the same area) don’t you think he’d wait until he was serious about someone?
Krystal was annoying to me, but Twitter did a number on her:
Back in LA, it’s time for a dinner date. (Did Krystal go back to the mansion first?? Now I’m questioning all the time between day and night dates.)
They talk about Krystal’s family. Her story about her brother is heartbreaking (I totally forgot about this from the season premiere).
For one glorious moment, I truly felt bad for ragging on her. But of course that didn’t last long.
Krystal gets the rose. Duh.
Arie: “The date’s not over. I have another surprise.”
[Drinking game alert: Drink every time Arie claims to have a surprise.]
The surprise is them being in an empty room with a singer.
Krystal says dancing with Arie is like waking up from a dream. So you were groggy, confused and wish you could go back to sleep? Same, girl. Same.
The next morning Krystal tells the ladies all about her date. Just kidding. “We went to Scottsdale and we hung out.” She wouldn’t even tell them if he drove her around. She’s vague and gives little detail. She knew exactly what she was doing. Homegirl is playing the game.
Bumper cars with REAL CARS. I want to go on a demolition derby date. I want to spray paint my own car. I want to be inappropriate and spray paint a 6 in front of a 9.
If I had known making it to episode two would include the chance to get free dresses, fly in a private jet or take part in a demolition derby, I would’ve signed up years ago. All of these things and you don’t even have to kiss the dude? Sign me up.
Tia: “I think someone’s gonna be crying today. Hopefully it isn’t me.”
Annaliese: “I didn’t think I’d be crying, but this is like my worst nightmare.”
ABC, you are so wrong for pairing Annaliese’s traumatic bumper cars story with carnival music and video of kids with blurred out faces riding around in bumper cars. You are wrong but I am LIVING FOR THIS. Someone should get a raise for this. Immediately.
It’s really hard to be all that sympathetic for someone who’s experienced something that nearly every kid in America has experienced.
“Everyone just kept hitting me and hitting me and I just remember feeling so alone.”
I wish that was my most traumatic childhood experience. It’s one of those things where you’re legitimately traumatized as a kid, but as an adult you’re supposed to look back, say “Meh,” and shrug your shoulders.
Everyone who’s trying to keep a straight face while hearing the story wishes they had the luxury of watching from home and laughing as loud as humanly possible. Which my mom and I absolutely did.
In the end Annaliese also played the game correctly, and now all the women wish they too had a traumatic bumper car experience. I’m sure they can come up with something good on the next group date. I don’t care what anyone says, this was the best part of the show. Pure gold.
Dad Jokes McGee and some race car driver I’m supposed to have heard of before talk to themselves about the derby.
The actual derby wasn’t as exciting as I wanted it to be. I think it’s because I wish I was doing it and spent that 5ish minutes green with envy.
ABC needs to check themselves with the Latin-inspired music when Bibiana comes on the screen.
Sienne wins -- love the name, love her! How gorg is she?
At the after party (doesn’t the word “party” imply people should be having fun?) tensions run high. Brittany misses out and I’m shocked ABC didn’t pretend there was a need for an ambulance to take her away. They love weird drama like that!
Naturally, Chelsea is the first to steal Arie away first. She has to explain to him who she is (a mom) and why she’s so mysterious (she’s not).
Chelsea’s like “I stole you because I’m a mom. And moms like me do mom things and act as moms do. Have I told you about how I’m a mom yet? I’m a mom.”
Shouldn’t Sienne get first dibs at him since she won? On her on-on-one time, Sienne finds the nicest possible way to make sure Arie knows she’s smarter than him and anyone within a 50-mile radius.
Bibiana attempts to make a sign up list like they’re playing beer pong or something. You fight for your spot, Bibs. Don’t give any of those ladies an inch.
“Can somebody hug her?” Yes, let’s hug the person who looks like she’s about to cut you. Brilliant idea.
I can’t be the only one who finds Bekah and Arie’s kiss uncomfortable.
Sienne gets the rose (yes!) after Arie fakes Chelsea out -- though my guess is that this is the editing and he said something about everyone before giving Sienne the rose.
Bibs gets zero time, but she’s about to shake up the cocktail party like a pro. I hope she sticks around for a good amount of time this season.
Random Thoughts on the Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony:
This lady named Ashley starts talking and I can’t believe there’s a black person I don’t remember -- please don’t revoke my card!
Arie to Brittany: I’m going to make you think I’ve got a rose behind my back but it’s really a fake certificate made by one of my producers. You’re welcome.
Bekah is going to go far, I’m sure of it, but have they even had a real conversation?
Krystal … no.
“Even though I have a rose, I don’t know the next time I’ll have uninterrupted time with Arie.” Girl. You’ll get time tomorrow.
Krystal talking her plan out with Olivia is like me asking Captain Morgan if I should have another drink.
“Hi guyyyyyyyyyys.” “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.” “Hi babyyyyyyyyyyyy.”
Krystal … no.
Krystal takes Arie out to where they first met. It’s also where he met EVERYONE ELSE.
ABC producers to taxidermy lady: “Now’s a great time to bring out that seal.”
Bibs finally gets her time! And after all that fuss, she doesn’t even have a question for him.
“Hii guyyyyyyyyys.” KRYSTAL NO.
God bless the woman who says “NO YOU MAY NOT STEAL HIM!”
Can you take away a rose??
GET HER, BIBS! “When you learn to speak to me like a normal human being and not with a fake tone, then I can actually respect you and listen to what you have to say.” PREACH.
I want to be best friends with Bibiana, but also I’m afraid of her. Sounds like the perfect friendship.
At the Rose Ceremony:
ABC almost got me with this one. I actually thought Bibs would go home this week. But Arie (*coughcough* the producers *coughcough*) saved her for last. I foresee a two on one with Bibiana and Krystal. And I feel like both of them will be kicked to the curb.
I don’t know anyone who went home besides Jenny because that was one of the best exits I’ve ever seen. No hug and an explanation of why the show wasn’t the right place for her. It’s like someone who tries to break up with you before you break up with them. The only difference is America just saw you get dumped first. Ohh I see, you don’t want to leave your friends. Name one friend, Jenny.
All in all this was a better episode than last week, and I’m hoping it gets better. I’ve got a fever and the only prescription is more Bibiana.
I live tweeted this episode and had the BEST TIME doing it. (That explains why this post was littered with tweets. People on Twitter are HILARIOUS and BRILLIANT and I love them!) Not sure I'll tweet every episode, but It's fun so I see myself doing it every so often. Follow me @awkward_auntie!