We’re going to make this quick, since I almost decided not to even bother writing this recap.
Here’s why I put off writing this recap this week: I didn’t even get to see the show live because we lost power due to a crazy, windy thunderstorm. And then I just felt like doing other things, like FaceTiming a friend’s baby, hanging out in person with an actual baby, and working.
But alas, I’m here, watching this show once (not twice, per usual) for you (and, let’s face it, for me, too) so that I don’t get any angry comments from my fan. (Yes, I believe there’s only one fan and yes, I’m talking about you, Emily.)
I know I’ve mentioned this before, but is this a boring season? I mean I get my laughs here and there from Jordan, but I know I’ll be sad when he’s gone. I can’t tell whether my lack of interest comes from me being more mature and thinking that I’m above this show or from me being so ridiculously immature because I want more drama and more excitement. Either way, I’m looking at you producers: manipulate the footage you have to spice up this season. I have faith in you.
Geez, I’m rambling already, which means I’m already doing a bad job of making this a quick recap.
Anyways, let’s get to it!
Last week we left off waiting for Chicken David’s pixelated face to finish loading when he surprised everyone by showing up to the rose ceremony. Wasn’t he seriously injured and in intensive care? Though now that I’m thinking about it, no one actually said what his true injuries were. I mean I get it, he got hurt. But how badly was he really hurt? I wouldn’t be surprised if they made this out to be a lot worse than it really was. When it comes to spicing up this season, you’re gonna have to do better than that, producers.
While mingling before the rose ceremony the guys reflect on the week they’ve had as if anything bad happened to them at all. Yeah I’m sure it was tough when two of your competitors got hurt and one is no longer in the running to be one of your girlfriend’s boyfriends. So sorry for your loss, bro.
Some guy wants to cheer Becca up so he asks her how many kids she wants. When she says three, he says he used to want two but now (that he heard her say she wants three) says he wants three to five.
“I talk to God every day, and people who go against me end up hurt sometimes.” - guess who?
In all seriousness, who goes on this show to purposely be a villain? I’m genuinely wondering. Because the truth is, not everyone ends up somewhat famous, like Corinne. Does anyone know what Krystal is up to right now? What about that dude Chad? What is the purpose of getting America to hate you. Sure we’re talking about you, but it won’t last. To me it’s not worth it, but I’m the kind of person who likes being liked.
Jordan thinks that he’s sending a real message by not wearing a tie. Becca makes fun of him by giving him gold hot pants. Jordan takes it to mean his package is on her mind. It’s not.
He is however, outwardly happy that David’s not around to take attention from him…
Then in walks David to cheers from the rest of the guys in the house. Poor dude. His face does look a little beat up, but it’s not as bad as I was expecting.
OK, so we got to the bottom of everything: Dude broke his nose. I mean, Marcia did too, and she ended up just fine.
“I’m one of the better looking guys in the house. Some of the guys would say I’m the best looking guy in the house.” First of all, name names or we don’t believe you. Second of all, does this or does this not sound like something Trump would say if he was on this show?
I knew David would get that pity rose! Plus he doesn’t have to deal with the rose ceremony. Sounds like it was all worth it.
So the Jordan/David beef is still on.
“All I know is, I’m Captain Underpants. … and that’s all that I got.” Good one, Jordan.
Wait, let’s talk about dude in the track suit. Nick. He says it’s who he is (are you in the mob?) and he needed to take a risk. I’m confused as to why he couldn’t wear it at literally any other time.
Who gets eliminated:
- Man bun #2
- Basic white dude #3582
Do they not get exit interviews? What the heck are their names? Ah, doesn’t matter I guess. Everyone’s going to Utah!
Did you know Utah is the perfect place to fall in love? Well it is, dummy!
One-on-one date: Garrett
Garrett gets the first jump-up kiss of the season. Becca literally almost kicks a child jumping up on him. That’s enough to tell me we need to retire this move. CHILDREN COULD GET HURT.
I kind of like this date, as it starts off like a typical date. They’re just walking around Park City visiting shops.
ATTENTION, WE INTERRUPT THIS DATE TO BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION: Lincoln thinks the Earth is flat. Remember the good ol’ days when this would’ve been kind of funny to learn about Lincoln? We would’ve just brushed it off because it’s so ridiculous. But now that we know so much about him and his past, let’s just add this to the list of reasons why he’s the worst.
I’m sorry are we going to get back to the date any time soon, or are we just going to see what’s going on in the house? I thought this was The Bachelorette, not The Real World: Park City. Jean Blanc is a little too intense and thinks all of these feelings he has will work in his favor with someone who barely likes him.
Back on the date, one of the things Becca says she likes about Garrett is that he makes good eye contact. I hate that that’s something she notices. But it just shows that it’s missing from interactions today. So sad!
On the next part of the date they go bobsledding. Shame on you, ABC, for the missed opportunity to tie in Cool Runnings to this date. But way to make Becca describe why riding in a bobsled is just like a relationship. I don’t know who wrote that for her, but boooooooooo.
At the night portion of the date Becca says Garrett reminds her of her dad. I feel like that’s a bigger sign than ever that he’s the front-runner here.
Though who knows now that he’s said that he’s been married and divorced. I’m not worried that he’s been married and divorced, I’m more worried that he yada-yada-yada’d over what caused the divorce. He’s like we got married and then two months later we got divorced.
Nah, Becca seems oddly cool with it and only really questions his readiness for a new relationship. Couldn’t everyone there say the same exact thing to her? There’s no way this is enough to knock him from the top spot. Of course he gets the rose.
I almost expected this to be a normal date all around, but of course ABC would never have that. They end up at a music hall dancing on stage in front of a bunch of fans and a band I’ve never heard of.
Group date: Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick, John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christon, Jason, Colton, Jean Blanc
Thirteen dudes on one date? Sounds like my personal Hell.
Aw, Venmo John is adorable. I love that he’s honest about being intimidated by the whole situation.
It’s another manly date. Real men split wood. Nothing like a date to make you feel like less of a man if you don’t do a good job. You’ll also get laughed at and made fun of if you don’t do as well as everyone else. Sounds like a blast.
Venmo John does oddly well and earns a pointless participation award that will probably be immediately tossed out. Give the man a rose, not an ax in a log.
How are Jason’s lips already wet when he goes in to kiss Becca?
Somehow, Colton saying he’s been in love before is enough to get a makeout sesh.
Becca says she’s having a good time. Of course she is, she gets to make out with everyone.
...Except Jordan who’s wearing his gold hot pants and who tries to go in with for a kiss with Becca and pretty much gets rejected.
Colton takes Jordan aside to tell him how stupid he looks. Jordan says how tired he is about being pulled aside by everyone in the house. That’s something you need to take up with production, bro. These dates are hella boring so they need to cause some sort of drama.
I don’t know about Colton. The way he’s smirking into the camera makes me think he knows exactly what he’s doing (trying to cause drama and put on a show). He’s also called Jordan a clown about a million times, so sounds like he’s on a script. The thing is: When it comes down to Colton or Jordan, I think Becca will pick Colton every single time.
I’m gonna need Jean Blanc to pump the brakes and calm down. He made Becca a perfume that’s called Ms. Becca Blanc. And then to make things much, much, MUCH worse, he pretends to whisper something to her to sneak a kiss in. Guys, please take note: None of this is appropriate -- and it’s certainly not sexy.
I’ve been saying this for years, but there are some things that guys do that can be taken as adorable or creepy depending on your feelings about them. What Jean Blanc is doing isn’t one of them. If someone I liked pretended to whisper something in my ear and then turned my face to kiss him, I think my lady boner would make a run for the nearest cliff so she could jump off of it. Don’t. Do. That.
OK so after a couple other people talk to Becca, Jean Blanc is back to talk to Becca about the fact that he’s falling in love with her. THIS is one of those things that is sweet if the right guy says it. But Becca is clearly not feeling him, and this was a big risk for him -- a risk that doesn’t work out for him as he’s sent home. DANG -- dude is asking for his perfume back too. He’s real salty. What could he possibly think he would accomplish by telling her that he only said he was falling in love with her because that’s what he thought she wanted to hear?
This season is so lame that Becca’s little speech about people being honest and there for the right reasons isn’t because of someone she liked letting her down, it’s because someone she never liked in the first place was lashing out because his pride was hurt.
I can tell this is going to affect her for the rest of the episode at least (she wouldn’t even give out a rose and ended the group date early), but I just need to put this out there: I think it was way too soon to give Becca her own season of this show. She should’ve had a little more time to recover from being BLINDSIDED. I think it’d be a much better season if she was chosen say a year or two from now, kind of the way Arie was.
Oh my goodness, this scene of Becca pretending to be sad in her bed while drinking coffee is amazing. Let’s not forget that she had to open the door for production to come in her room first.
Poor Wills who has to go in next after all of this not-so-dramatic-at-all drama, while all of the guys discuss why Jean Blanc ruined everything for them. Give it a day or so, guys. Jean Blanc will be but a perfume scent in the wind. Or maybe that stench of perfume will linger.
One-on-one date: Wills
Did Wills’ parents actually name him Wills? Inquiring minds want to know.
How many times will Becca cry on this date? There’s no way this has to do solely with what Jean Blanc said.
Becca and Wills go snowmobiling up a mountain. I’ve gotta say, aside from the lumberjack date, the dates on this episode have been kind of great (albeit boring, but that’s real life) and somewhat realistic. I want to drink champagne in front of a fire on a mountain while looking at the gorgeous scenery! From all of Wills’ forehead kisses to their snowball fight, I have one word for this date: Adorable.
I hope when Wills is telling his story about when he was hurt in his last relationship, Becca realizes that the drama from the night before really wasn’t anything at all. Or maybe she doesn’t since she compares his three-year relationship that ended in his girlfriend cheating on him to her being blindsided by Arie. Does someone have a count of all of the times Becca has said “blindsided”? It’s getting to be on the verge of how often Arie said “amazing.”
Wills gets the rose, because he deserves it and is so darn cute. I literally don’t remember him at all from the other episodes, but I’m noticing him now. Seems like a decent guy!
Uh oh, the guys are talking in the cabin when Chris Harrison walks in. He informs them that there’s no cocktail party, just a rose ceremony. I’m pumped about it since that means the episode is just about over and I’m almost done with this recap, but the guys aren’t too pleased about it.
Who gets eliminated:
- Christon (Don’t worry, boo, I’d be happy to console you.)
- Track suit
Jordan can’t take the fact that he was picked last and it is everything. He’s like you can’t put a label on me, actually I’m going to do it right now and call myself a sponge. Jordan is like Joey in Friends, he kind of seems to get dumber with every episode. Remember when Joey was only kind of dumb in the beginning, and then by the end it was like there’s no way you could get through life being that dumb?
I’m kind of excited for next week’s episode because I’m really interested in seeing how this two-on-one goes down between Jordan and David. David can only ride that pity wave for so long. I wouldn’t be surprised if they both went home.
On the other hand, I’m not excited for next week’s episode because being in Vegas means there are too many opportunities for corny phrases. I already heard “roll the dice on love” and “lady luck” and I can only take so much.
What’d you think of this week’s episode? Did any of your favorites get sent home? Do you agree that Becca needs to chill with the whole “blindsided” thing? Sound off in the comments!