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The Bachelorette Recap: Becca's Season, Episode 3

The Bachelorette Recap: Becca's Season, Episode 3

Remember that time I wrote a FABULOUS recap for the premiere episode of The Bachelorette, only to let everyone down and not write a recap for the second episode. Yeah, me too. I’m the worst.

But I’m back, baby, and I’m ready to get down to business. For those of you who’ve commented on the fact that this season is already boring, you’re absolutely right. The only excitement is with Jordan, and he’s so scripted and calculating he’s annoying.

I don’t know why anyone is surprised. Becca was boring on Arie’s season, we just didn’t notice because … well Arie. It’s like this: If I have two plain rice cakes and put butter on one, I’ll be pumped about that butter because anything is better than a plain rice cake. But at the end of the day all I have is a rice cake with some butter on it and it’s still a lame snack.

What I’m saying is: For those of you who don’t watch but only read the recaps, you’re smarter than the rest of us. (Especially me who watches each episode a minimum of two times and every week tries desperately to find ways to write this recap as quickly as possible.)

I should also note that while I had every intention of watching episode 2, I didn’t. And I don’t feel bad for it. I’m at my parents’ house in NH and they have real cable, and Judge Judy, The People’s Court and Judge Mathis aren’t going to watch themselves. From what I heard, Jordan was annoying and the episode as a whole was a snoozefest, so I’m feeling fine about it.

OK, now that we’ve gotten that rant out of the way, let’s get to the episode!

Speaking of this episode, did anyone else get a strange intermission of two grown men going on a one-on-one date in Singapore?

I love that when everyone is discussing the dynamic in the house and David points out that everyone likes everyone, except for Jordan, the camera shot is automatically on Jordan who’s eating his breakfast in the corner.

Somehow, Jordan keeps describing himself as “fun.”

So it looks like I missed Jordan running around naked in the house since even Chris Harrison mentions it. I can’t tell whether this makes me want to watch the episode or makes me feel like I’ve made the right choice in skipping it.

Anyways, Chris Harrison gives the reminder he always gives every time he approaches a group of people (as if the guys don’t say it in every single scene) that time is important and everyone should use it wisely. No duh. He also says there will be two group dates and one one-on-one date and that everyone won’t get a date this week. K great.

 

Group Date #1: Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean-Blanc, Colton

Colton lies to himself and says he’s happy to be on this group date even though he just said he wanted a one-on-one. Maybe it’s because he thinks that if he were on a one-on-one, he’d be kicked off immediately? It’s pretty clear he wanted the Bachelorette to be Tia, but wouldn’t you think a lot of people did? It doesn’t feel like it should be a deal breaker to me. I mean, didn’t Becca want her fiance to be Arie? And now that he’s not, she’s looking elsewhere. Makes perfect sense to me. Also, Colton, if you didn’t know Tia would show up on one of these episodes, you’re a fool and far too trusting of these producers.

Before the group date, some of Arie’s rejects (Bekah, Sienne, Kendall, Tia, Caroline) show up for some champagne and chatting. I’m sorry, some of this isn’t adding up. Do we think Tia thought she was going to be The Bachelorette, too? If they were dating, couldn’t she have given him at least a hint of what was going on? I’d be like “if I were you, I wouldn’t break up with me right now.”

Jordan’s face when Becca tells the guys they’ll be pampering the ladies instead of being pampered is priceless. We all know homeboy wanted a salt scrub.

Becca has never been more relatable than when she forgot Jason’s name. Same, girl. Same.

Bekah is like,”This is great. The guys are taking initiative.” They’re doing it because they have to.

It’s sad to me that the only real excitement in this part of the show is in relation to Colton and Tia. Not going to lie, that says a lot about how boring Becca is.

The guys all paint their nails, and we’re all supposed to feel great about it because ABC is so progressive?

At the night portion of the date, Carmen San Diego, I mean Becca shows up while the guys are sitting around plates of fruit and cheese and not eating any of it. The level of self-control in these contestants never ceases to amaze me.

So it’s going to be a battle between Chicken Suit and Zoolander, huh? Do we think David and Jordan will be on a future two-on-one date? This seems like quite the set-up.

Jason, I can’t believe you’re making out with someone who could not remember your name earlier in the day. I mean I guess I don’t blame you, but that’s gotta be in the back of your mind. Poor guy.

For a second, Jordan pretends not to know what the “Tinder” thing Colton brings up is about. Ohh that’s right. It’s the fact that he’s gotten 4,000 matches. For those of you who don’t get cramps in your fingers from swiping right or left, it’s important for you to know this is a ridiculous amount of matches. Not only am I not impressed, but it’s not something I would even brag about. Yes, everyone knows I’m on Tinder. No, nobody needs to know that I’m swiping on Tinder every waking hour of the day. I want to say ain’t nobody got time for that, but apparently Jordan does.

Jordan pretends he’s selective but we all know that can’t be the case. He says he doesn’t swipe every day (you’re lying bro).

When David gets his time with Becca, he’s like “I’m an open book, and we’re currently open to the chapter I’ve dedicated to Jordan.” Obviously he sees Jordan as some type of threat.

I thought I liked David, but anyone who makes me take the side of someone I can’t stand loses major points (for reference, please see: Kim and Kenya from RHOA; and Jax and James Kennedy from Vanderpump Rules). Oh right, right, right. Just saw David’s age flash across the screen -- he’s 25. I’m not loving how old this show is making me feel!

I love how this show is all about assuming the Bachelor or Bachelorette is an idiot. David’s talking about steering Becca’s mind in the right direction, but let’s be honest, she would’ve figured out how shallow Jordan is on her own. In the end, David is the one who looks like an idiot. On the other hand, Jordan is pretty dumb for telling anyone about his Tinder matches (I can’t believe I’m even writing about this). He should know that on this show, anything you say or do will be tattled on accordingly.

Someone tell Jordan that getting a hug after one-on-one time isn’t a great sign.

The guys watching David talk to Jordan is everything.

I think Jason said what we were all thinking after Jordan’s rambling, incoherent monologue: “That was f--king awesome.” I’m officially a Jason fan!

Becca and Colton talk about the Tia thing. Colton says all of the right things, of course. But does anyone else get the feeling that if he doesn’t get picked he’ll go on Bachelor in Paradise and end up proposing to Tia in the end? Can’t be just me.

My confusion as to how two minutes of conversation got Colton the rose knows no bounds. I guess the group wasn’t the best, but I don’t get it. She should’ve given Jason a pity rose.

 

One-on-One Date: Chris

I thought I was into Becca’s style, but the outfits in this episode just haven’t been doing it for me. Specifically the silver jacket.

Not gonna lie, I know they immediately said Richard Marx was sitting at the piano, but I still thought it was the dude from Train (you know, that band with the really catchy songs and lyrics that sound like they’re trying too hard to be thought-provoking and creative?). At least Richard Marx writes solid songs. I’m sure he was more than pleased to hear Becca butchering his most famous song, “Right Here Waiting.”

Oh crap. Are they going to have to sing songs together? Or write songs together and then sing them? Please, Lord, no.

Well folks, an important lesson I learned today is that sometimes God hears your questions and pleas and decides the answer is “Nah, I’m just gonna let you suffer a little more.”

This date was hard to watch, to be honest, but I guess if I’m being really honest the majority of them are. Isn’t it too soon for them to be writing songs about each other? I feel like they have maybe two moments to work off of and write about.

Can someone tell me why they need to read their lyrics in front of the microphone? Also, can we admit that this was a poetry writing date? If only Dr. Seuss was alive to be there instead of Richard Marx.

Way to tie in your parents’ divorce to you having a hard time writing a song. I know that because my parents have not divorced, I always open up to people on national TV and I’m the greatest songwriter anyone has ever seen. So I’m really sorry you weren’t dealt the same cards I was and therefore did a bad job at this date.

Is it me, or does Chris look like every single boy band member of the 90s melded into one human being? More specifically, he looks like LFO gave up on meeting the girl on TV and ended up getting together to make their own baby.

 "New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits, Chinese food makes me sick." (Don't act like you don't remember them!)

"New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits, Chinese food makes me sick."
(Don't act like you don't remember them!)

Chris gets the rose.

In his voiceover, Chris says he looks a Becca and sees a future wife. It would’ve been better if he said “my” future wife, but I get it.

OMG Y’ALL DAVID IS GOING TO THE HOSPITAL

So obviously, despite the teases, it has nothing to do with Jordan.

Everyone is worried about whether he’ll live or not, which tells you he’s totally fine and is not going to die or else they wouldn’t air any of this. Also, I’m confused because they all say they heard the thump and that it rattled the mansion (ok), but then they say that all of a sudden he was on the ground as if they found him there.

Naturally, ABC’s like “Let’s add more drama and send Chris Harrison to Becca’s room to give her the skinny on what happened. But do it in a cryptic way that scares the crap out of her before letting her know what really happened.”

Was all of this even necessary? Making it sound like someone beat him up before dropping the deets that had most of us holding in laughter: David fell from the top bunk of his bunk bed.

Becca: “I’d like to see him.”

Chris Harrison: “How about you call him instead? This is a stupid injury and he doesn’t deserve a face-to-face visit.”

Let this be a lesson: BUNK BEDS ARE NOT FOR ADULTS. Give these dudes real beds. You have the money, ABC. Or at least make all the bunk beds gated.

 

Group Date #2: Clay, Leo, Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, Blake

Oh great a football date. So original. Way to switch things up, ABC. Let’s just watch a bunch of grown men prove how manly and strong and tough they really are. FOOTBALL. MEN. BEER. STRONG. FOOTBALL.

Y’all. Lincoln’s bicep. I know it looks like he’ll be terrible later on, but I’m into it right now.

The guys run through drills led by football players from the Legends Football League. Clay shows off, because why wouldn’t he? This is his career, and he’s kicking butt.

And of course they’re playing a football game against each other for Becca’s heart. It’s called the Becca Bowl. I think I just threw up in my mouth.

Why does it look like the interns wrote the names on the backs of the jerseys that morning?

It’s another boring, predictable date. Everyone’s trying to show off, Chris Harrison’s commentating shows why Chris Harrison is only allowed to say a couple of words and phrases every episode, things get more physical and intense than anyone expected (though, let’s be serious, this always happens), aaaand someone gets hurt.

This. This is why as a proud Patriots fan, I would lose my cool if Gronkowski went on a show like this. I even hate it when he goes to Las Vegas or goes on a booze cruise. I am constantly afraid that the man will get injured, not on the football field, but literally everywhere else.

So Clay hurts himself playing football on The Bachelorette, and we get our second ambulance of the episode.

That night, Becca talks to everyone and makes out with almost everyone. Except Clay because he’s at the hospital.

Becca says Blake called her his girlfriend, but that’s not what I heard at all. Am I missing something? It sounded like he said it’s the kind of day where he wanted to curl up with his girlfriend and watch a scary movie. I feel like that was more based on the rainy weather than anything.

Oh just kidding, Clay shows up. And all those feelings of “I hope Clay is OK, he’s a stand up guy who deserves to be here” turn into “Why is he here? Is he going to get a rose over me?”

Becca gives the rose to someone who makes her “feel like a princess.” And somehow that’s Clay? I don’t get it either, but you get that pity rose, Clay, and hold onto it with all your might. Maybe hold onto it with your good hand.

 

Before the rose ceremony:

Some guy says he didn’t get a date, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him before in my life.

Clay struggles with an operation he has to have on his wrist. I get that he plays football and they pays well, but, like, doesn’t selling tea that makes you poop and subscription boxes filled with maybe two items you actually need pay well, too?

Not well enough, I guess, since Clay decides to take himself out of the competition. I feel like there might be something else at play here. Maybe he was tipped off to the fact that he wasn’t going to win? Maybe I watch too much UnReal, but it just seems like it’s more or at least something different than he’s letting on.

And for all of you who are calling for your favorites to be the next Bachelor this soon, I’m going to need you to calm it down. It shouldn’t be Grocery Joe and it shouldn’t be Football Clay. Remember the last time we got the Bachelor we wanted and we didn’t know that much about him? I know you’ve blocked it out, but just a reminder: It was Juan Pablo. Why don’t you sit and think about that a bit before you make anymore calls for the next Bachelor.

Is Becca crying about Clay’s departure because she likes him or because he dumped her? I always wonder with things like this whether it’s real or whether it’s a pride issue.

Well look at that, no rose ceremony this week.

But next week it looks like David comes back. His face looks strange, I think it needs more time to load.

Chicken David Bachelorette

 

Jordan’s Jems (If he read this, would he know the spelling is incorrect? Nobody knows.)

  • “David. He’s walking around cooking scrambled eggs all day.”
  • “I’m out here like a surgeon, just doing my thang.”
  • “I rubbed Becca’s feet. It was awesome to feel her dissolve in her chair.”
  • “I’ve totally moved into David’s head. I should be paying rent to that guy. You know, my feet are rested upon his porch.”
  • “You are the skeleton of a man, David.”
  • “Cheers to you being a bitch.”
  • “I know it’s hard with me being a model.”
  • “I’ll cook, I’ll clean. I’m a golden retriever.”
  • “Attached to me is professionality, is my face.”
  • “I talk to God every day, and God knows if Jordan has a problem with anyone, 86 ‘em.”
  • “Chickens can’t fly, and I think we learned that last night.”

 

Thanks for reading, and feel free to sound off in the comments. Who is your favorite so far??

The Bachelorette Recap: Becca's Season, Episode 4

The Bachelorette Recap: Becca's Season, Episode 1

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