Let me first just apologize to your liver or quads for what turned out to be a doozy of a first episode if you were playing my Bachelorette Drinking/Exercise Game. How was I supposed to know someone’s job would be a “Social Media Participant”? Or that someone’s motives would be questioned THIS early in the show? Or that “Let’s do the damn thing” would be shoved so far down our throats our farts would come out sounding like the phrase this morning? I’m sorry. I couldn’t 1. keep count or 2. keep up. Next time I’ll ditch the wine and stick to squats
And I hate to say it again, but what is the deal with “Let’s do the damn thing”? Didn’t she say it to Arie like once or twice? How did it become her catchphrase? And for the love of God, why would we want someone to keep repeating a phrase she said to someone who broke her heart on TV? Since ABC’s paying attention to Twitter all of a sudden *cough*Rosanne*cough* maybe they’ll pay attention to the fact that all of Twitter was brought together by the unifying fact that we all never want to hear that phrase again. Ever. (That and Grocer Joe was robbed, but we’ll get to that later.)
I don’t know why I was expecting ABC to take the high road and give Becca her own story with her own beginning, but here we are again reliving her proposal and eventual breakup with Arie. Not only that, we start with only hearing the sound of her crying. Bet she wishes she didn’t cry on camera. I’m not going to go over this obviously, because we all know what happens and I don’t want to encourage ABC to recycle lame footage like this again.
ABC makes Becca talk to her family about what happened, during which her mom is clearly relieved. I feel like I very clearly remember Becca’s mom being like “Arie I’m not going to give you my blessing but if my daughter wants to marry you, I guess it’s cool.” Actually I don’t remember Arie getting anyone’s real permission to propose to their daughter. What does that tell you about the dude?
“I’m like an average girl. All I did was get my heart broken on TV.” OK Becca.
Do they always show this much at the beginning? Why are we watching the announcement of Becca as the Bachelorette again as if we didn’t watch it before?
Becca driving in that sweet red car is an obvious dig at Arie. That ain’t yo’ ride.
Becca is cool, but does she deserve to be in that room with Rachel, Jojo, and Kaitlyn? Dang, they are so much fun, I wish I was in the room with them. I wanna say Rachel is the friend I wish I had, but I have several “Rachels” in my life and I actually feel like I, too am Rachel.
“I hope they don’t edit this out … f**k him.” - Rachel
While talking with the ladies, Becca’s like “This could actually work out.” Just a reminder, it worked out for the guy who dumped you.
Kaitlyn basically doesn’t say anything other than to compare the sage to a doobie. Still love her.
If anyone actually thought the smoke detectors went off in that house, you just got played by ABC. It’s called editing. Notice how no one acknowledged it at all.
Oh a “Let’s do the damn thing” toast. Not only have all of y’all lost so many cool points, but y’all got me jonesing for a Krystal toast, which somehow has more substance and makes more sense.
If Becca mentions being blindsided by Arie one more time...
OK there are so many guys. It’s really hard to keep track. In fact, while I was tweeting I thought I was so great at remembering names I totally called someone by the wrong name for SEVERAL tweets. So here’s how we’re going to do this: I’m going to try to keep up the best I can without rewinding.
I really appreciate ABC running the packages of these dudes rather quickly. Let’s see here, we got the “I’m not just a football player, I’m a biracial football player who helps grandmas” guy, the “I’m gonna give a bunch of thumbs ups and an iffy Chris Farley impression” dude, the “Being a model is hard, but I can’t help it if I’m really, really ridiculously good looking” man, the “I’ve got an accent so I’m automatically smarter than you” bloke, the “I’m going to squeeze tomatoes on camera so you think I’m good at my job” guy, the “I love my cologne more than I’ll ever love you, don’t ask questions, just deal with it” dude, and the “I’m wearing a velvet vest while teaching someone how to throw a ball so that should tell you all you need to know” guy (fiiiine, he has a foundation which is pretty awesome).
It just occurred to me that Becca drives to the house. Where does she stay? Does she stay at the mansion?
Chris Harrison is not as good as he thinks he is at pretending to listen to Becca answer his questions. To be fair, he’s done this so many times. I don’t blame him. “Let the journey begin!” he shouts as he scurries away. Where does Chris Harrison even go? I mean, off screen doesn’t mean off the premises. Do you think he just stands there lurking or goes home, takes a quick nap, gets his makeup touched up and then pops back in for the first impression rose and the rose ceremony?
OK, bring on the contestants!
- Colton, football player, brings confetti poppers. Great navy suit.
- Grant, electrician, is proud of her for whatever.
- Clay, football player, makes too many “catch” puns. Boo, bro. Boo.
- Jean Blanc, colognoisseur (yeah ok), teaches Becca “Let’s do the damn thing” in French.
- Connor, fitness coach, pretends to propose to her. Also says “Let’s do the damn thing.” Please stop.
- Joe, grocer, forgets everything he was supposed to say. Love it.
- John, software engineer, did your grandparents really fall in love overnight, brah?
- Man bun #1/Leo, stuntman, great hair. Says something about leave-in conditioner. You know women know all about that stuff, right? It’s not some secret you just discovered.
- Zoolander/Jordan, male model. Essentially says he thought Becca was going to wear something else. Also compared the tapping of his shoes to the heartbeat of a gentleman. Spent 6 hours selecting his suit. Thinks wearing gray makes him stand out. The next guy is wearing gray. We’re going to have a field day with this guy if he makes it past this first episode.
- Rickey, IT consultant, tells Becca she’s got all the adjective. Wearing a gray suit.
- Alex, construction manager
- Nick, attorney, shows up in a racing suit. Says meeting Becca was the hardest thing he’s ever done.
- Man Bun #2/Mike, sports analyst, shows up with a cut-out of Arie. Pretends it’s so Arie is there to see Becca at her happiest. Cool?
- Garrett, medical sales rep, shows up in a minivan. Talks about wanting to be a dad and a husband, hence the minivan. Who staged that minivan for him?? He even says in his voiceover that he doesn’t really want a minivan.
Let’s break to deal with the ridiculous conversation going on in the house. Does anyone know how this show works? They’re like “This is crazy, more men keep coming in the house. I think I counted, like 12! I never expected it to be like this.” First of all, y’all were probably staying in the hotel together before coming here. Second of all, quit acting surprised. At the bare minimum the producers told you how many people you’d be competing against.
- Blake, sales rep, comes in riding an ox. I think I blacked out at the end of After the Final rose because I was just too burnt out, so I don’t remember him, but I do remember there being a horse. So there’s that. Becca’s like “Where is he getting all of these animals from?” He owns a zoo. Girl, be serious, your production team is pulling out all the stops. Blake’s got a pink suit jacket on, I have a feeling male model is fuming.
- Lincoln, account sales executive, brings an accent and a slice of cake. (On this second watch, I’m noticing that they’re playing what I like to call “the crazy people music” during his introduction. Hmm…)
- Chase, advertising VP, keeps saying his name in puns.
- Darius, pharmaceutical sales rep, says he’s not nervous but is obviously lying.
- Ryan, banjoist, doesn’t bring his banjo.
- Christon, former Harlem Globetrotter, I have no idea what he said I was hypnotized by his eyes. Sorry not sorry.
- Wills, graphic designer, claims he’s a closet nerd.
- Jason, senior corporate banker, makes Becca do a “cool” handshake because he and his friends do it "all the time."
- Kamil, social media participant (NOPE), calls Becca over to him like a dog and talks about 50/50 relationships and then somehow decides he’d rather have 60/40 and thinks that’ll go over well.
- Jake, marketing consultant, knows Becca and runs in a similar group of friends. You’re going nowhere, Jake. That never works out.
- Trent, realtor, jumps out of a hearse and I was genuinely concerned he’d slip on that ridiculously wet driveway (I feel like you’re begging for a lawsuit here, ABC).
- Christian, banker, spins Becca? I don’t even know anymore.
- David, venture capitalist/chicken (yes, it really does say that), he’s wearing a chicken suit and somehow gets from ‘becaw!” to “Becca” and I pretty much hate it.
- Chris, sales trainer, name drops Uncle Gary, brings out a choir that sings about getting a rose and getting into Heaven.
OK, that wasn’t as awful as I thought it would be. I got everyone’s name down no problem, but there’s a good chance that from here on out I’ll be using a lot of nicknames.
I love that they have to talk to each other about how much they like Becca. Also love that they refer to her dress as sparkly. They’re such dudes.
The cutout Arie needs to go, though I’m loving that the camera pans to it while Becca is talking about her heartbreak.
Connor is the first to grab Becca, and everyone acts surprised that someone pulled her aside first. He gets automatic points by opening champagne with a sword.
Clay forgets Becca is an adult and has the producers set aside actual clay for them to play with. I also think he thought she forgot his name, which she didn’t. Clay lies and says Becca was his favorite last season.
Let’s just be real here: creating the app for Venmo is NOT the same as creating Venmo. Don’t get it twisted.
Christon should get the first impression raised based on that dunk alone. (And for his eyes.)
If chicken suit dude turns into waboom from Rachel’s season, I’m going to be pissed. I can’t decide whether I’d rather hear “Let’s do the damn thing” or “Be-caw!”
Grocer Joe used to sell watermelons and now owns his own grocery store. Free/low-cost groceries for the rest of your life, Becca. Don’t mess this up.
Becca says pink suit jacket guy is making a great impression on her, so that definitely means he’s not getting the first impression rose tonight.
Who is the dude with the back massager? I can’t.
Is it me or is chicken suit guy actually adorable? I didn’t see that coming!
“I’m a lucky bird, and Becca’s a cool chick.” Please stop.
Minivan teaches Becca how to go fishing in a pool. They catch nothing. Just kidding, Becca catches feelings off the bat and gives him the first impression rose.
Wow, we’ve got a questioning of the right intentions this early??
Chris wonders if he should tell Becca what Chase’s ex-girlfriend said about him after the AFR live show. To be clear, it sounds like she told him he’s starting a new business and he likes hanging out with his friends.
Why does anyone get advice on whether or not to tattle on another contestant? The answer is always yes. (PS - It’s so if you look like a jerk you’ll go home so take that advice with a grain of salt.)
Chris is like, first I’m going to talk to Chase because I am a good judge on whether someone is here for the right reasons. And Chase is like, K cool I’m just going to tell Becca, but first I’m going to make it sound like this ex is delusional and say “women” in the most dismissive way possible. You picked the right show to do that on dumb-dumb. Also, how hilarious is it when Chase was like I really thought the person who’d rat on me would be one of my more recent exes. He’s also like I don’t know what the text said but I’m not that guy. Mmkay. Bringing Chris into the room to clear it him is a fabulous idea. Just kidding, dummy. But don’t forget to continue to downplay your relationship and say you only hung out with her for two weeks. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out. You just made this whole thing so awkward.
That brings us to Jake. He apparently knows Becca and has shown zero interest in her in the past. Becca’s like “I’ve met you several times” and Jake is like “I met you once.” One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone doesn’t acknowledge meeting you when you say you’ve met. Just fake it. Stop making me look like the crazy person.
“Do you know I have only one conscious recollection of meeting you?” That tells me Jake is a partier. Why would you say it that way unless you were absolutely hammered the other times? “It sounds like you might be hanging on to a different me when I was at a little different point in my life…” Jake. Jake. Jake. I need to know what this point in your life was and why you’re getting combative here. Jake. “I’ve had a very transformative year.” What did you do? “I’m a new Jake” Who was this person, Jake? How do you all of a sudden know that you must’ve met her before but don’t remember it? When you met her at the Christmas party, why didn’t you make a move, Jake? In what season of this show has someone who previously knew the Bachelor or Bachelorette made it to the end? It’s never happened, Jake. It was never going to happen to you.
Becca sends him home and pretends like it was hard to do. Hey girl, we know that was one of the easy ones. Don’t sweat it.
I was hoping there’d be one really drunk dude in this episode, but it turns out Jake was my only hope. And he’s no longer with us.
LOL at the guys calling this elimination a wake-up call as if they’re not one hour away from the first rose ceremony.
Like I said, Garrett gets the first impression rose. Will this be the first season of The Bachelorette in a while where the first impression rose doesn’t signify the person who wins?? (I’m such a sucker for spoilers, but I’m trying REALLY hard not to look at them this time!)
Did Male Model Jordan even talk to Becca? I don’t want him to get a rose, but I will admit his pettiness is extremely entertaining.
“I’m like really embarrassed. Like really embarrassed. Not even, like, a little bit, like really embarrassed.” Kamil’s got a way with words that perfectly explain why he’s a social media participant and not a social media specialist.
Who goes home at the Rose Ceremony:
I think we can all agree sending Joe home seems like a mistake. Twitter has spoken:
All in all, I enjoyed this episode. I think Becca’s going to be great on the show. It’ll be interesting to see how her personality shines when she’s matched with someone else who has a great personality and not the personality of a dried up sponge.
Who are your front runners? I actually think Chicken Suit and Minivan might go far.
I bet they’ll keep Jordan around until a two-on-one, but I’m totally shocked he made it past this first night. But like I said, I enjoy his pettiness, so I’ll leave you with my list of favorite one-liners said by Jordan (along with the occasional commentary, of course!). Thanks for reading!
- “I felt like wearing a navy tie would separate me from all these gentlemen.”
Pretty sure he said this after he noticed someone else had a gray suit on.
- “Some of these guys.. It’s just… too.. Ick.”
Jordan apparently thinks he’s on Fashion Police and not The Bachelorette.
- “First off, put some socks on. OK? Get a tie on or a bowtie on or a pocket square at least.”
- “So one dude brought in a choir, and I’m pretty good at math, he fit in 12 people in that limo.”
If counting to 12 makes you good at math, I’m a pro.
- “You’re wearing a chicken suit, dude, don’t talk to me. You almost got feathers in my coffee.”
- “People are getting sent home. And it’s night one!”
That’s how this show works.
- “I can’t believe this is happening. If the chicken stays and I go, I’d be extremely embarrassed. I mean, I’m a fashion model. Come on. You know, keep me around. Have some eye candy going around here, please. Not a chicken.”
Ispy a match-up with Krystal on Bachelor in Paradiseeeee.